First Birthday

Dear Alice,

What a year.

As a warning, the words I will use to talk about the monumental shift in my life since becoming your mother will fail to convey what your life has meant to me. I won't be able to express what deep, unabashed joy I take in your smiles, your steps, your hugs and kisses and growing relationship with the world. It's beyond me. But let me attempt to share some of what I'm feeling and thinking as we round out a year together.

First, so you know, you are an easy baby. You are social and outgoing, happy to win over any crowd you see. On the train, on the bus, at parties and at home, you know exactly when to smile to melt even the angriest of New Yorkers. You haven't had big problems with gas or fussy eating or rock-me-til-I-sleep attitudes. You have been kind to your parents, and for that we are grateful.

You just started walking. About a week before your birthday party, you took a few cautious steps. But by the time your grandparents arrived to celebrate your big day, you were ready to show off, walking clear across the living room while we all beamed with pride.

You love blueberries, and raspberries, and really any fruit we put in front of you. Pasta isn't a big hit, surprisingly, but oranges are. You enjoy scrambled eggs and English muffins, peanut butter and sweet potatoes, even parsnips and carrots. You take two naps a day and love swinging in the swings and going down the slide.

Above all else, Alice, my life is for you, for your daddy, for this little family of ours. There is so much in this world right now that doesn't make sense, but your existence here grounds us, gives purpose and meaning and perspective to life. Making sure your needs are met is exhausting and consuming, but more rewarding than anything else I could imagine doing with my life.

My hope for you, my sweet, 1-year old girl, is that one day you will know what joy, what unadulterated, unconditional, uninterrupted joy your child can give you. I hope that you will experience the way the ground shifts beneath you when you become a mother. I hope your world is reordered in the way you have reordered mine.

I love you more than anything ever.

Love,
Mom

My Lovely Lady

Thoughts

I spend a lot of time thinking about food. Today, for example, I spent 3 hours cooking a dinner to freeze for later this week, preparing apple and pear sauce for Alice's lunches this week, another 30 minutes preparing our lunches and cleaning up afterward, and I have yet to make dinner. Between my work and feeding my family, it sometimes feels... exorbitant. Shouldn't this basic necessity be pretty... straightforward? But it is not, as anyone can tell you.

A few weeks ago, I started teaching a nutrition education class for people living with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes. It's been a good experience so far - the people in the class are older, and very kind, and it feels like spending time with a room full of grandmothers (and one quarky uncle). It also sheds light on just how complicated our problems with food have become. Each week we set small goals for ourselves that we think might be achievable over the next 7 days (mine continues to be going to bed earlier, despite my utter incapacity to do so). I'm often surprised by how basic many of these goals are --- walk 1 block every day, eat 2 meals without meat over the course of the week, cut back from 20 to 15 cigarettes each day. These are all really important changes to make, and have a substantial impact on health. But they also point out how hard it is to be healthy in an environment surrounded by easy access to meat, cigarettes, and crappy food; how little activity is required in our daily lives; and how much we have to fight against our auto-pilot, routine-driven tendencies.

Playground

Too. Much. Cuteness.

Baby Steps

Dear Alice,

Tonight you took your first official steps!! You've been toying with the idea of walking for a couple of weeks now, lifting a leg here and there, teetering about the apartment. We've even seen you take a step or two on other occasions before falling softly to the ground.

But there was something different about what we witnessed tonight. Rather than moving towards Daddy or me, you faced away from us, determined to explore other parts of the apartment where we were not. You stood up, stared out of the playroom into the living room, and willed these steps to happen. The look of determination on your face was captivating, and your daddy and I watched in silence as you took one, then two, then three steps forward. As soon as you fell, we erupted into cheers, beaming. You looked around, proud of yourself and the attention your movement earned, and clapped your sweet little hands together.

A walker, you are.

I love you more than anything ever, my darling Alice.

Love,
Mommy

PS You love your blueberries!

Momma

So it's been a hectic, rainy, stressful morning. Michael and I had to work hard to get us all out the door - and into the rain - reasonably close to on time. Alice slept so well that I had to wake her up, which meant we had a fussy baby. And she decided against nursing yet again, leaving me incredibly uncomfortable and scrambling to find a way to pump before making my first trek out to our new offices in Queens. When I finally got out the door, I had a fussy baby, an umbrella, and two bags to carry down to our "daycare" where I prayed I would find a pump.

Needless to say, I was feeling frazzled and even a little frustrated.

But then, do you know what happened while we stood there, stuff in hand, waiting for an elevator?!? Alice put her head on my shoulder and - I swear I heard this - said "Momma."

The heart bursts.

Real Weekends

Friday: Dinner & drinks with friends (while Alice slept soundly in the next room)

Saturday: Work, Grocery Store, then Park, Nap, Park, Dinner

Sunday: Family Breakfast (scrambled eggs and english muffins), Cleaning around the House, Downtown for Test Kitchen Chipotle, shopping for Alice (shoes and socks), a visit with our bookstore family, and a purchase at my favorite tea shop.

Now getting settled for the night. Making parsnip risotto with pancetta and sage for dinner. Cooking Alice's apple sauce, pears and squash. Maybe attempting taxes, cookies, and/or laundry.

I still think our 2 days with family to 5 days with work is excessive, but I'm glad we've savored these two days as much as we have!

Pick-Me-Up

This morning - this beautiful, sunny, first-day-of-spring morning - I walked Alice down to daycare. I can't tell you what a boost it is, pushing a happy baby along the streets of Manhattan. Such a fabulous way to start the day!

Break

Tensions

Okay, so I'll admit it. I spoil her. Alice is almost 1, and she still wakes up in the middle of the night. She wakes up to nurse, to cuddle, to be held by mamma. It's quiet, peaceful time with my daughter, and given how hectic our days are, I've clung to this precious time with her just as much as she has.

And yet now, as her first birthday approaches, I realize that it is time to make a change. She needs to be able to sleep through the night, and I need to be able to enjoy some deep sleep for the first time in a year. But I have to admit to feeling very torn about ending our nighttime reunions. When I spend a grand total of 3 hours a day with her during the work week (on a good day), what's the harm in holding on to our ritual? What's the problem (other than my near constant exhaustion) with spending the 3:30 - 4 am timeframe with her?

Advice? Thoughts?

Morning Visuals

The New Go-To

In an effort to save money and thanks to a 7 PM bedtime for the babe, Michael & I have been eating at home very regularly these days. I now have a handful of recipes that I can throw together in 30-40 minutes, and I rotate among them very frequently.

Too frequently.

While I am really proud of myself for getting to this point (those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I used to feel utterly overwhelmed in the kitchen), lately I've been in need of some healthy, quick, tasty recipes to add to the rotation.

Well, heeeelllllloooooo Fine Cooking! Every meal I have tried from this magazine has been outstanding! It has a wonderful collection of easy as well as fancier dinners, presented in new and interesting ways. Last night we had lamb pitas with a citrus salad --- delicious!!

Joy

Morning NYC

Morning

Traveling

Afternoon at the Park!

Kitchen Duty

Sunset on the Hudson

Catching Up

This week was overwhelming.

Michael was out of town so I was playing the role of single mom. He returned on Friday, just in time to celebrate his 31st birthday. And, as I mentioned previously, it was one of the most significant weeks of my professional life. I spent most of the week running - from one meeting to the next, from work to daycare to home to daycare to work - and trying to keep my head above water. I think I managed to do pretty well overall, though I have to admit to several dinners of beer and cereal and falling asleep in front of my computer once or twice (thankfully that was while doing work at home in the evenings, not midday in the office).

So, needless to say, this weekend has been about recovery. There are things I need to do - our taxes, for example. Or unloading the dishwasher. Or cleaning up the kitchen. Or making a grocery list. Or even reading. But instead I've just been sitting still, enjoying the sunshine in our beautiful new play room, and having some quiet time while Alice naps.

In order to keep my head above water lately, I feel like I've let a few important things slide. I don't really know what's going on in the world, beyond revolt after revolt after revolt. And I have too many friends to whom I owe emails or phone calls. The danger in falling to far behind in these things is that it is far too easy to become boring, to have nothing to discuss beyond work and Alice, and to grow lonely.

I keep telling myself that this pace is just a temporary thing, that it reflects the phase of life we are in, that eventually it will get easier to maintain relationships beyond the two most important in my life - the ones with my husband and my baby. But really I think I just need to carve out the space for other things. I don't think life gets slower - you just prioritize differently.

Perhaps this is my goal for Lent. Finding a way to better balance all the things in my life, to find energy for things beyond the day-to-day demands of life.

*****

As a PS, I am happy. I am in love. I am finding fulfillment professionally as well as personally. I just wish each day had 40 hours in it!

Happy birthday, M!

We love you!!

More Sleep

Happy Alice

Alice doesn't giggle very much. You really have to earn her laughs. Which is why tonight's giggle-fest made me OH. SO. HAPPY.



And one of these days I am going to remember to take videos with my iPhone in the other direction!

My Favorites

Oh my darling blog. How I miss you.

I'm sorry I've been so MIA this year. It's been a hectic few months, dominated by professional lives and sick babies. I spend a lot of the day running around right now, but I'm so happy doing it. Alice is at such a joyful age - spending lots of time giggling and smiling and gobbling down whatever food you put in front of her. She's starting to demonstrate preferences for certain foods (frozen blueberries and cut up grapes trump EVERYTHING). She's just such fun!



Today was a big day for me, professionally. I had two big meetings, with senior staff at the DOH, including the Commissioner. It's strange to realize that I'm at that point in my career where these events should happen more regularly. I'm no longer the youngest staff member in the office (though I was definitely at least 6 years younger than anyone else in the Commissioner's office today!). It's thrilling to be at such a fun level in my professional life - and thank God, since it comes at such a high price right now.

Another night I will write a longer post about this, and about how I'm missing Michael as he's off at a conference in Florida this week. But tonight I'm crawling to bed...

Goodnight friends.

Bliss

Valentines

It's Valentine's Day! We celebrated with chocolates from Cocoa Mills and carrot cake from La Casa Dunn. It has been a delicious evening, despite an attempt to destroy it by tossing a glass bottle full of olive oil on the kitchen floor. I feel like a very lucky lady.


I also celebrated by staying home from work! It has been a rough few weeks in our household, between all the sicknesses and stresses of work. So a day with a nanny and without an office to trek to sounded like a very good plan indeed. While I didn't get everything on my list completed (as evidenced by an actual picture of my actual list --- yes, I make lists of tasks for vacation days), I did feel like I had time to Get Things Done, as well as time to read and rest. My incredibly thoughtful brother bought me a gift certificate to get a massage for mother's day last May, and I finally redeemed it today. Heavenly.

The Redskins Wizard

The Touch

Here it is, the end of another long day. My list of completed chores is long, but the list of things to do is longer. How is that possible? No need to complain - life is good for an employed, happily married mommy! But a baby with an ear infection and a work life that never quits is exhausting as well as fulfilling.

In other news, our good friends John & Anna had another baby girl!! Penelope is adorable and, in the blink of an eye, our New York City family has expanded. Alice is incredibly curious about the latest addition, and was riveted by her today.



Alice seems destined for middle-child-syndrome during this phase in her life. She's in love with Naomi, John & Anna's older daughter (11-months Alice's senior). Alice chases Naomi all over the place, even as Naomi screams "No!" Penelope just seems like a new toy. It's so touching to watch these little babies start to learn about one another, to see their fascination with other children, other beings their size and shape.

What a joy to have other friends to share this stage of life with! We are so blessed.

(And, as I write this, another friend is in labor. Sending good thoughts her way...)

Munchkin!

Waterfront