Love Letters

Dear Alice,

It has been far too long since I wrote to you. I think of letters daily, small memories that I try so hard to remember so that I can capture them for you. The blessings you bring to our every day. Sadly there is just never enough time to write everything I want to write for you.

I want you to know that this time in our lives is both difficult and joyful. Being Barrow's and your mother (as well as your daddy's wife) brings joy and fulfillment that I never thought to hope for. I feel such unabashed love for you and our little family. I know I was born to fill these roles, to be this woman. And I am grateful for that awareness because it makes these days that much more enjoyable. But being a parent, especially in Manhattan, is hard. We struggle financially. We have a seemingly infinite number of relationships to build and maintain. Though we have a strong, supportive community in the city, many of these friends live far away in Brooklyn. And we are just always so busy - between work and family dinners and quality time together, there seems to be little give. Your father and I have sacrificed regular trips to the gym. I've given up reading as much as I used to, while your father has not had as much time to write as he once did. These are the personal sacrifices we make to ensure you grow up secure, loved, known. They are well worth it, but must be made nonetheless.

If there were one adjective to describe you right now, it would still be sweet. You have the most kind disposition, good-natured to the core. We cannot go out without someone telling us how beautiful you are. I'm trying to make sure this does not go to your head, trying to remind myself to compliment your intelligence (which is just as impressive) but find it hard not to tell you a million times a day how pretty you are. You love to dance, asking first thing every morning to put on your pink ballet dress and dance for us. We play classical music while you jump and run across the carpet in our living room. You love to read, spending hours each night in your bedroom, in the dark, "reading" stories. You have an active imagination and love to pretend to be mommies ("Mommy, I'm the horse's mommy." "Mommy, when I'm a mommy can I wear that?" "Mommy, Abby is crying for me and I'm her mamma."). We have been reading Angelina Ballerina on repeat, as well as Miss Lina's Ballerinas. You love all of the Bernstein Bears books. You are an adoring big sister, and Barrow loves you so.

I pray that one day you will know this kind of joy, my sweet.

I love you, your brother and your daddy more than anything ever. You are my family, and I couldn't be happier.

Love,
Mommy

Birthday Baby

Dear Alice,

Happy birthday, my sweet baby!!! On Thursday, you turned TWO!! To celebrate, Daddy, you and I went to Virginia to celebrate with Grandma, Grandpa, PapPap, GiGi, Uncle Henry, Aunt Eileen and Bumpa. We had a lovely pizza dinner, with cake and ice cream sent especially for you from Grandma LeeLee.

At two, you love to do things, "all by myself, Mommy!" You eat your yogurt by yourself, climb into your car seat by yourself, rock in the rocking chair by yourself, take off your shoes all by yourself... Your personality is so unbearably sweet. You love to give hugs, and you have fun tickling Mommy and Daddy.

Your Aunt Kelsey sent you "Corduroy" for your birthday, and it has quickly become one of your favorite reads. You are also enjoying "Horses" and "Alice the Fairy." You bring lots of lovies to bed with you every night - Froggie and Zebra and Abby and Dora and Corduroy and books and blankie and soothie. There's hardly room for you.

I love you, and am so grateful for all the blessings you bring, baby girl. You are such a joy for Mommy and Daddy! And you just have the sweetest heart.

I love you more than anything ever!!

Love,

Mommy

***

PS You love singing, "I love you. You love me. We're a happy family..." And then you love to play with your imaginary big, pink, scary monster!!

The Day

Dear Alice,

Today is the kind of day I hope to remember forever. Today you and I went off on an adventure. We spent the day at the Central Park Zoo, FAO Schwartz and Toys 'R Us. The highlights of the day:

• Seeing horses wearing "jackets" all along the southern edge of Central Park.
• Laughing at penguins diving through the water.
• Watching Gus, the Polar Bear, sleep, lift his head, and fall back asleep again.
• Eating our packed lunch of PB & J sandwiches and yogurt in front of the sea lions, soaking up the sun, and smiling.
• Watching a cow eating hay, chewing with eyes shut and mouth open, laughing constantly.
• Feeling you grab my waist as we watched the Dinosaur from Jurassic Park at the Toys 'R Us at Times Square.
• Buying you your first real girlie doll - a Dora with a hair brush - breaking all of my rules just because you were so freakin happy to have her.

These are special times, my love. I'm so grateful for this kind of day - a morning of adventures, an afternoon of naps and household chores. I pray for many more of these together, my sweet special babe.

I love you!
Mommy

I wish

Dear Alice,

How I wish there were a way for me to capture the cuteness!! At least once a day, I find myself in total awe of you. Of the words you now know. Of the moments you remember. Of the conversations you start to have with your loved ones.

This morning, when I asked you if you had good dreams, you said you had been crying, but now you are happy. This evening you told me that daddy was at the gym and that you had fun with Mel. You said wallet and popcorn and zipper, words I didn't know you had. When we were going to bed, you rubbed my cheeks with your sweet little hands. When it was time to give kisses through the slats, you pushed your belly up against the bars, then your nose, then your hands. You said, "LOVE YOU!"

I wish I could capture the sweet curls of your hair after the bath. The joy of hearing you say a new word. The awe inspired by your ability to convey emotion.

I love you, my sweet Alice!

Love,
Mommy

Thanksgiving 2011

Dear Alice,

Happy holidays, my sweet!! We just celebrated an amazing Thanksgiving, full of great food and family. Your PapPap, GG, Grandma, Grandpa and LeeLee came all the way up to New York to mark the holiday with you. They showered you with love and attention, spending every last minute making sure your every need was met.

At dinner, we went around the table sharing what we were thankful for this year. Everyone agreed - you are the greatest blessing. Your PapPap and GG both mentioned being grateful for having spent time with you, getting to know you and witnessing your personality develop. Your daddy and I cherish every minute we have to share you with this lovely family.

I love you insanely, my sweet baby girl. Happy holidays!
Mamma

Lunch: Parsnip Soup

Dinner:
Roasted Turkey with Citrus Rosemary Salt
Harvest Bread Stuffing
Mashed Potatoes
Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallows
Green Beans & Carrots in Charmoula Sauce
Roasted Asparagus

Dessert:
Pumpkin Pie
Candy
Bourbon-Chocolate Pecan Pie

A Happy Night

Dear Alice,

Tonight was a lovely night. I picked you up from John & Anna's, and you were happy to see me, though a little sad that it meant you were leaving Naomi & Penelope for the evening. On our walk home, we stopped to pick up a bread role from the bakery just down the road. You impressed everyone, walking into the bakery, holding the bag with your evening treat, saying "Thank you" before we walked out the door.

At home you played patiently while I cooked dinner - pork chops, roasted broccoli, mac & cheese and salad. You, Daddy and I enjoyed a relaxing dinner, and you even made it through the WHOLE meal in your own seat! After dinner, we did the hokey pokey and ring-around-the-rosie. You pretended to sleep, and then jumped up to surprise your daddy and me.

You are too cute for words these days. You learn 10 new words a day, it seems, and love mimicking your Daddy and me. You want to be a part of everything, from cooking dinner to doing the laundry and carrying groceries. You love to read, and dance, and sing, and eat.

I love you more than anything ever!

Love,
Mommy

Love

Dear Alice,

This weekend, you, your daddy and I went to Rehoboth Beach. It was your first trip to this heavenly destination, and I'm happy to report that you loved it! We spent the weekend eating Grottos Pizza, playing in the sand, watching the waves crash, and enjoying some quality time with your Grandma & Grandpa, who also came up to visit. And, my sweet love, we took you to Funland.

You loved your first trip to the beach, and we loved sharing this special place with you. Your daddy and I both grew up with family vacations, and it's a thrill to start this new tradition.

Your vocabulary is growing by the second. You can now say car, ball, please, blueberries (kind of), milk and a smattering of others. Your favorite books are "Llama Llama, Red Pajama," "Goodnight Moon," "My Big Golden Counting Book," and "Goodnight Gorilla." You love to help open and close doors, and are very happy to walk to the elevator all by yourself. You enjoy dancing.

When we say goodnight now, we give kisses between the slots of the crib. And then I say a silent prayer and hope you find this joy in your life.

I love you more than anything ever!

Love,
Mommy

Updates for Alice

Dear Alice,

It's been far too long since I wrote to tell you how things are going. In a word, they are: GREAT. You are such a treasure.

At 15 months and some change, you can say Daddy, shoe, doggie, cheese and down. You can kind of say hi, bye bye and up. Generally, you aren't speaking a whole lot of words, but you LOVE to talk! You love holding up books and "reading" whatever is on the page --- minutes and minutes of a foreign language your Daddy and I don't quite understand. We're almost completely convinced that you will skip solitary words and just immediately go to full sentences.

You have such a lovely disposition! Sweet, smiley and social, you are. You give lovely hugs, and sweet kisses - but only if we've had enough alone time for you to be happy with us. You love baths and pools. You are thrilled to see a doggie, but afraid to pet one. You sleep with a froggie, a blankie and a binkie. Your favorite breakfast is scrambled eggs, and you love to eat blueberries more than anything else in this world. If I gave you yogurt and fruit at every meal, you would be one happy camper.

Your most recent discovery is your belly! You love to lift up your shirt (or your daddy's or your mommy's) and point to bellies and belly buttons. It's ridiculously adorable.

Another sweet character trait: you're mildly prissy! You really don't like to get your hands dirty. If your hands have anything on them, you're quick to rub them together to get everything off. It's endearing and mildly concerning. Your daddy and I are trying to figure out how to make sure you don't mind mess.

I will say we have had a rough week because you whine anytime your Daddy or I am in the kitchen preparing food or cleaning dishes. You want our full attention. And we want to give it to you.

We love you, sweet Alice! You are the bestest thing ever!

I love you,

Mommy

First Birthday

Dear Alice,

What a year.

As a warning, the words I will use to talk about the monumental shift in my life since becoming your mother will fail to convey what your life has meant to me. I won't be able to express what deep, unabashed joy I take in your smiles, your steps, your hugs and kisses and growing relationship with the world. It's beyond me. But let me attempt to share some of what I'm feeling and thinking as we round out a year together.

First, so you know, you are an easy baby. You are social and outgoing, happy to win over any crowd you see. On the train, on the bus, at parties and at home, you know exactly when to smile to melt even the angriest of New Yorkers. You haven't had big problems with gas or fussy eating or rock-me-til-I-sleep attitudes. You have been kind to your parents, and for that we are grateful.

You just started walking. About a week before your birthday party, you took a few cautious steps. But by the time your grandparents arrived to celebrate your big day, you were ready to show off, walking clear across the living room while we all beamed with pride.

You love blueberries, and raspberries, and really any fruit we put in front of you. Pasta isn't a big hit, surprisingly, but oranges are. You enjoy scrambled eggs and English muffins, peanut butter and sweet potatoes, even parsnips and carrots. You take two naps a day and love swinging in the swings and going down the slide.

Above all else, Alice, my life is for you, for your daddy, for this little family of ours. There is so much in this world right now that doesn't make sense, but your existence here grounds us, gives purpose and meaning and perspective to life. Making sure your needs are met is exhausting and consuming, but more rewarding than anything else I could imagine doing with my life.

My hope for you, my sweet, 1-year old girl, is that one day you will know what joy, what unadulterated, unconditional, uninterrupted joy your child can give you. I hope that you will experience the way the ground shifts beneath you when you become a mother. I hope your world is reordered in the way you have reordered mine.

I love you more than anything ever.

Love,
Mom

Baby Steps

Dear Alice,

Tonight you took your first official steps!! You've been toying with the idea of walking for a couple of weeks now, lifting a leg here and there, teetering about the apartment. We've even seen you take a step or two on other occasions before falling softly to the ground.

But there was something different about what we witnessed tonight. Rather than moving towards Daddy or me, you faced away from us, determined to explore other parts of the apartment where we were not. You stood up, stared out of the playroom into the living room, and willed these steps to happen. The look of determination on your face was captivating, and your daddy and I watched in silence as you took one, then two, then three steps forward. As soon as you fell, we erupted into cheers, beaming. You looked around, proud of yourself and the attention your movement earned, and clapped your sweet little hands together.

A walker, you are.

I love you more than anything ever, my darling Alice.

Love,
Mommy

PS You love your blueberries!

The 9-Month You

Dear Alice,

Another lovely weekend drawing to a close. Bumpa came to visit, and we spent hours sitting on the floor in our living room, watching you crawl all around, play with toys and pieces of paper and shoe laces. You are growing like a weed, learning new tricks every single day. I'm loving this stage of your life, little one. You are such a joy!

Some things to know:
* You love Jack-in-the-Box! Every time the music starts, you crawl to your closest parent -- and then keep climbing! When Jack finally pops out, you jump and then smile, all in one swift motion.

* You are fearless. You're learning how to find your balance, pulling yourself up from the floor, shuffling from the sofa to the chair and back again. You are undaunted by falls and bumps and bruises. You just keep going, sweet love.

* Your favorite foods are squash, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and Chipotle quesadillas.

* You're starting to understand what it means to say goodbye, and that's absolutely heartbreaking. Weekday mornings, when I put on my jacket and get packed up for work, you crawl over to me, looking sad and unhappy about the separation that's to come.

* We cannot go anywhere, sweet girl, without you charming the pants off of strangers walking by. You love to flash your smile to anyone, anywhere. I've seen you melt even the toughest of men on the subway. It's spectacular.

I love you more than anything ever, sweet Alice!

Love,
Mommy

Christmas 2010

Dear Alice,

What an exciting couple of days we've shared, my sweet girl!

On Christmas Eve, you learned how to crawl!! You've been preparing for this day for about a month now, getting up on your hands and knees, shifting front to back, back to front. And then, all of the sudden, everything clicked - you started crawling! You haven't stopped since, my dearest, skipping nap upon nap upon nap just to keep practicing. Your new skill is a bit terrifying for your daddy and me - life as we know it is basically over now that you're mobile - but we're thrilled for you, sweet baby.

And, to top things off, yesterday was Christmas!! This was only the second time your daddy and I have celebrated here in New York, and we had a lovely time. You woke us up at 7:30, ready to jump out of your crib and play. We opened presents under the tree, gifts wrapped just so you would have some fun tearing apart the paper. You were a little overwhelmed by all the commotion, but we had fun opening bath toys and Christmas books and an Apple TV and a play table. You gave your daddy a subscription to a book-of-the-month club at our favorite bookstore downtown. We Skyped with Grandma LeeLee and Bumpa, showing off your new crawling skills and big Christmas smiles, and then attended mass at the Church of the Ascension. You look too adorable for words, wearing a beautiful red Christmas dress courtesy of Grandma LeeLee. Then we went to celebrate the day with brunch at Aunt Anna & Uncle John's house. We stuffed our faces, opened more gifts, and enjoyed time with our New York family.



By the time we got back to our house, we were all exhausted, darling dear. We spent the rest of the day vegging out in front of the TV, playing with toys and watching you move.

It was a wonderful Christmas, baby girl. Thank you!

I love you!
Mommy

Thanksgiving Eve

Dear Alice,

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Though today technically isn't a holiday, it always feels like one. Office empty early, people smile with pre-holiday cheer, and the City has an energy unlike any other time of year.

We spent your first Thanksgiving Eve together, my sweet dear. I worked from home in the morning, while you took a nice, long 2-hour nap. Then the two of us bundled up and headed downtown for lunch with my colleagues/friends:


You charmed the pants off of everyone, as usual, chowing down on your first bites of broccoli and savoring some of the tomato sauce from my lunch. Once we finished up and wished my colleagues well, we went to daddy's office, picked him up, and headed home for a little late afternoon nap.

After we all woke up, you and I bundled up one more time, rode the train with daddy while he went to hip hop, and you and I went to see the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade balloons! The crowd was overwhelming, but unbelievably patient.

Mr. Kool Aid

Spiderman!

Alice & Mommy

The very last balloons were the Macy's stars with "Believe" written across them. As bizarre as this sounds, sweet Alice, I got a little emotional when we walked past them. I am so excited to share the holidays with you, baby girl! To develop our own special traditions that make this hectic time of year so incredibly special. This family doesn't just enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas Days - we savor the season.

Happy holidays!!

I love you more than anything ever.

Mom

Call to Serve

Dear Alice,

This picture of you and Grandma LeeLee was taken the day before she boarded a plane for Afghanistan. Your brave, bold grandma chose to leave behind the daily comforts of life in the US for a year of service in Afghanistan. Grandma LeeLee was not satisfied with merely bemoaning the situation in this war-torn country. Instead, she decided to act, to respond to our moral imperative to do something to improve the lives of the Afghan people.

In the weeks leading up to Grandma's departure, she trained for a host of terrifying scenarios. With each new skill she learned (shooting guns, ramming cars, riding in helicopters), Grandma LeeLee kept a sense of humor. She saw herself as "an old lady," laughing at the situations in which she found herself. She did her best to deflect any fears that your mom, dad, Uncle Henry faced. She took on our worries. She responded with bravado.

You should know, my dear Alice, that several friends and family members have called her heroic. They have called her sacrifice honorable, genuine, admirable. Because I know how much she loves you and how much she loves me and how much she loves your daddy and your uncle, I know these words are not enough.

I hope you know, sweet Alice, that this is your family.

I love you more than anything ever.

Mom

Four Months

Dear Alice,

This week, you turned 4-months old! Your dad and I can't believe how quickly time flies now that you're with us. While I was pregnant with you, four months seemed an eternity to have to wait for your arrival. Now that you're here, it seems to pass in the blink of an eye.

In the past couple of months, you've grown from a blessedly sweet infant into a charming baby girl. You astonish friends and family with your big brown eyes that are almost always open, taking in the world. Everyone comments on how alert and aware you are, how much you seem to be soaking in. Strangers continue to tell us what a beauty you are.

Your favorite playmates are Freddy the Firefly and your pink bunny. Your dad and I really love Mortimer the Moose, and we try to convince you that he is as cool as Freddy. You aren't yet convinced. You love to stand up, showing off your chubby and remarkably strong legs. Your head control is impressive for a girl your age. With it, you turn every which way, making sure you see everything there is to see in this beautiful world. The past month we've focused on getting you enough sleep, wrapping you up in a tight swaddle to help lull you to bed. Yet minutes later we peak into your bedroom to find you've spun around 180 degrees, wrangled your arms free and pushed them up and over your head with your back arched as much as possible.

We've had an eventful summer together, with trips to DC, South Carolina and the outer boroughs of Manhattan. We've shared a lot of time together as a family. And every evening, your dad and I take you for a walk in Riverside Park to spend some time enjoying the summer weather, being active together. Now we're starting to think about this fall, about the clothes we'll get you, the family we'll see, the events we'll share. It's all very exciting, this planning of our lives together.

We love you, sweet Alice. Happy birthday!

Love,
Your Mom

*****

PS Your most popular nickname is Little Blabe (or, affectionately, LB). I also often call you my little bug. You're loved, my little one.

The Night Before

Alice,

There are plenty of topics for me to write about this evening - including our delicious trip to South Carolina to visit your gracious Aunt Kelsey and your father's and my latest efforts to manage the household finances. But all that I can think about is that tomorrow I return to work full-time. I will wake you up at 6 am, feed you, kiss you and head down to the office. I will have to say goodbye.

I've already broken down into tears twice this evening, just thinking about this change in our lives together. Since you've been born, I've rarely left your side. I haven't wanted to. Tonight, before this shift, I want you to know what thoughts are swirling around in my brain.

And yet, two hours after starting to put words to "paper," as it were, I still can't quite sum up what I want you to know about this experience, this process of preparing to go back to work life. All I can tell you is that I love you wholeheartedly. That I'm incredibly sad that I can't stay at home with you indefinitely. That going back to work is completely, entirely for you - not only so that we can afford your diapers, but also so you can see your mother engaged in a professional realm that doesn't involve my perfect little family. That I hope and pray you will one day have a gorgeous baby girl who will make you as happy and rich and fulfilled as you have made me. And that when that does comes, you will have more options than we have now - more maternity leave that means something, more possibilities with one income, more meaningful part-time work.

Baby girl, these first few months together have been nothing short of miraculous. I will remember this time as blissful - days spent walking the City together, admiring a gorgeous springtime, just you and me.

I love you, Alice! I'm already excited for our evening stroll together tomorrow night!

Love,
Mom

Explorations

Dear Alice,

Happy 2-month birthday!

This past month has been about exploring. You have decided that saying awake is pretty cool. And we love it!

Your adventures have included trips to new neighborhoods, new boroughs, and new states. We strolled through the Village, visiting our friends at the gym and the bookstore. We traveled to the New York Botanical Gardens in the Bronx, admiring peonies and orchids and millions of gorgeous flowers. We even ventured down to DC, where we showed you off to all of our family. You loved all these adventures - and we loved taking you on them.

You are an excellent starter baby, my Alice. You sleep well (even through the night on occasion!). You smile and coo and keep us entertained. You let us take you out to dinner - and sometimes happy hour. You enjoy being outdoors, but don't demand it. You enjoy sleeping in your crib, but don't demand it. You like to sit quietly in your chair, feeling its vibrations and looking at our ceiling fans whirl above you. In sum, you are perfect.

Everywhere we go, people comment on how cute you are. The other day, an elderly woman pushing a walker down the street stopped me to say that if she had a baby just like you she would spend all day kissing your adorable cheeks. I assured her that I spend much of my day doing just that.

My darling Alice, we are loving every minute of being your parents. You bring such joy to our lives, and we are so thankful for you. Thanks for being you, my sweet.

Love,
Mom

Urban

Dear Alice,

From the start, you belonged in New York.

Not one to be hurried, you delayed your birth, arriving fashionably late. When you decided to join us, you had no patience for a slow, deliberate labor. Instead you gave your parents four hours notice, even threatening to be born in a cab along the Hudson River. In your first few weeks, you ate as many New Yorkers do - leisurely and late at night. You took taxis and trains and buses. And, above all else, you took walks.

This - these strolls - were your favorite activity. You enjoyed rides in your stroller, almost laughing at every uneven road or cobblestone sidewalk. You were soothed by street noises on these outings. Sounds of buses and trains served as lullabies to nudge you towards sleep. And above all else, you loved your sling. A month into City living, you enjoyed sitting up and taking in the sights as you and your mom walked around the neighborhood.

Today, my baby girl, we took your very first train ride. You promptly feel asleep, as many of us do, laying your head against me as soon as the train ride began. This afternoon, we stopped at PinkBerry - an ice cream for me and a bottle of breast milk for you. Because the day was gorgeous, we ate outside in the shade. You kept your eyes wide open during the entire meal, observing every last object that passed in front of you. You watched like a true New Yorker - relaxed, removed, yet relieved to have the company of the City with you. Just about every woman that passed by stopped to tell me what a beautiful girl you are - and I, of course, agreed. No less than 15 women asked about you and offered blessings for your life. "May God bless her," they repeated.

Indeed. May God bless you as much as he has me. What joy!

Happy 1-month birthday, my Alice!!

Love,
Your Mom