Happy

Thank. You.

OMG.

This. Is. Amazing.

Shameless

Gap is having a casting call for new models! Vote for Alice here.

Rebellion

Everywhere I look in this apartment there are chores to be done. The plants need watering. The trash & recycling need to be taken out. Clothes need to be washed and folded and put away. We need to hang pictures on walls and vacuum floors. We need to dust and mop and clean out the fridge.

But who has the energy for that?!?! I think I'll curl up with my book instead...

Alice & Her Binkie

Cheeks

Go Nats!

Bedtime!

Yummy

Identity

Michael, Alice & I spent the past weekend upstate, soaking up sunshine and fall foliage with my mom, my godmother, and our great friends, John, Anna & Naomi. It was an absolutely wonderful weekend - blissful, in fact - and I will write more about that soon.

But tonight, I want to put down some of the thoughts that have been rumbling through my head this weekend, while we were away from the City and in some quieter space. I've been thinking a lot about identity. There are few times in a person's life, I think, where your conception of who you are - the ways in which you define yourself - undergo fundamental change. When I think about my life to date, my identity shifted after a few key events: a scary, life-threatening bout with pericarditis when I was 10, a standing ovation from peers on the crew team when graduating high school at 18, a 3-month breakup with Michael when I moved to New York at 23, our marriage at 26, and now motherhood and the birth of Alice at 30. Certainly, other experiences shaped my vision of myself and either contributed to or challenged my perception of myself. But these are the events that really changed my core vision of who I am.

I think I'm just starting to see how my identity has changed since Alice arrived. It's a hard part about motherhood, I think - finding yourself knowledgeable about things you once could care less about while also letting go of some things you used to spend much of your life doing (what a muddled sentence that was...). I'm trying to sort through the parts of life I'm willing to sacrifice for the greater good of my new self and - more challenging, I think - to identify the roles that are so fundamental to who I am that I simply cannot let go of them, regardless of the time and dedication they require.

Several years ago, I talked to Michael's close friend James about the core activities you need to do wherever you are to feel content with life. At the time, I needed to find time to sit quietly and read, generally in a coffee shop or park. I needed to workout. I needed to have some peaceful time drinking tea. And I needed to take active care of my husband.

Now, in my post-Alice life, are these things still true? What activities are so fundamental to who I am as a woman, a professional, a wife, a mother that I need to find time to do them, even if it takes me away from my family for a bit every day? How do I define myself now that Alice is here?

Who am I now? And how must I spend my time in order to be that woman?

Again

I'm trying to stay upbeat. We had a lovely weekend, celebrating Alice's baptism with friends and family (details and a blog to follow... eventually). We had quality time with siblings, parents, grandparents, friends. The Redskins won. Alice ate solid foods for the first time.

But it's a cold, wet, dark Monday morning. The week promises to be another hectic one. And I still don't feel like I've had enough time with Alice or Michael.

I've got the Monday blues.

Boo.

Mother & Child

Cash Only

Since Alice was born and I returned to work - and our family expenses expanded to include a nanny - Michael and I have created a new budget for ourselves. And to help us stick with it, we've decided to use cash only. I thought I would hate this new approach. But, in fact, it has been pretty fun! Cash only makes purchasing decisions feel like a game, and we see our financial trade-offs before we buy anything. We each have a little bit of fun money to spend on ourselves, and then a family pot from which groceries, diapers and other household items come.

Part of this new budget has meant that we eat at home almost every night. While this is boring sometimes - often, I guess - it has been fun to expand my list of ready-to-make recipes. And I feel like I'm solving a puzzle if I'm able to re-use leftovers in a fun and exciting way. Tonight, for example, I made burritos using the best of Chipotle (salt, cilantro and lime juice on rice) and last night's steak. Plus all this cooking has given me more confidence in my skills! AND we're eating healthier!

So there! Some pleasant surprises in a tough financial situation!

Teething

Guess what?

Someone is getting her first tooth!

Excerpts from Dear American Airlines

"Don't expect too much but don't expect too little. She's enough."

"I'm not sure the word sorry does anything justice... I mean, how can one puny word like that encompass all the shit you did - I don't mean you, I mean us, everyone, me - but also all the, all the things you didn't do? It's the inactions that keep you up at night. The actions, they're done. They're done. The inactions, they never go away. They just hang there. They rot. How is sorry supposed to stretch across all that?"

"Into a spiral-bound notebook I entered every sentence I could imagine her needing to say... Taking a ballpoint pen to one of my Post-it pads, she wrote on three consecutive sheets: I HAVE MUCH MORE LEFT TO SAY THAN THAT. I hadn't considered that it might be disturbing for her, to see the entirety of her remaining life - and what is life if not the words that we speak? - reduced to fifteen or so looseleaf notebook pages, sharp convenience notwithstanding."

This, too, is New York

People Do the Strangest Things

Alice and I were walking home. The sun was bright, the breeze gentle and cool. We sat at the intersection, waiting to enter the Park, watching cars drive swiftly past. When the light changed color and the drivers slowed to a halt, Alice and I started to cross the street.

Alice was excited to see the park - so excited, in fact, that she started making bubbles. Loudly. I found this terribly amusing, as all mothers do.

Midway through the intersection, I notice the driver - a woman in a minivan, so likely a mother herself - smile. Then, just as quickly as her smile appeared, the woman rolled down the window...

AND STARTED BLOWING BUBBLES HERSELF.

This grown, 50-something-year-old woman started blowing bubbles at my sweet little baby!!!

It was very amusing, and kept me smiling all the way home.

Keeping Pace

If I wake up late, Alice eats late.

If Alice eats late, I get to work late.

If I get to work late, I stay late.

If I stay late, I pick up Alice late.

If I pick up Alice late, we get home late.

If we get home late, Alice takes forever to go to sleep.

If Alice takes forever, we eat late.

If we eat late, we relax late.

If we relax late, I pump late.

If I pump late, I go to bed late.


Just. Stay. Calm.

Smiles

Alice - 5 Months Old!

Breath

Without warning, it seems, this blog has gone from frequent visuals to near constant ones. Since work started, the time for thinking, let alone writing those thoughts down, vanished. August was one big whirl, and there are no signs of slowing down.

Life is pretty darn great, though. I think we should all vote to extend the length of the average day from 24 hours to 40, and decrease the standard work week from 5 to 3 days. When I think about all that I want to get done in a typical day - spend time with Alice, spend time with Michael, spend time with myself, spend time as a family, SLEEP, cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, feed Alice, pump, go to the gym, have productive time in the office, read, write, SLEEP (did I say that already?) - my head starts to spin. I'm trying to remain balanced and realistic about what can really happen each and every day, but it's difficult to do that. I really miss working out, but making time to go to the gym is just ... exhausting.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say hello. Let you know I'm still loving motherhood, and being a wife, and being an employee for my amazing boss. That I miss having time to write, but that I wouldn't change a thing about my life. That I'm as happy and as tired as I have ever been.

Love you.

Greetings!

Growing

Prom 2028

Sunset

Moments

Alice playing with her Great-PapPap

Morning!

Delicious

Thank you!

Since we moved into our apartment in December, Michael and I have been saying that we need to buy a full-length mirror. We didn't do it.

But today, Michael came home with a present - a mirror!!!! One that we can angle against the wall to make us (read: me) look taller and slimmer! No more taking pictures with PhotoBooth or our phones to see how we look! No more standing on tip-toes to see our reflections in wall hangings or the TV! We have a mirror!

Thank you, love!

Romance

On Saturday night, Michael, Alice and I ate quesadillas at home. Alice joined us at the table, sitting in her Bumbo chair. We listened to Ella & Louis while eating and chatting. Afterward, we packed up and went for a family stroll in Riverside Park.


It's a new definition of romance, this Saturday night at home. But it's a lovely one, nonetheless.

I Have the Best Husband

He woke me up with this!!

Happy anniversary, my love!

Four Months

Dear Alice,

This week, you turned 4-months old! Your dad and I can't believe how quickly time flies now that you're with us. While I was pregnant with you, four months seemed an eternity to have to wait for your arrival. Now that you're here, it seems to pass in the blink of an eye.

In the past couple of months, you've grown from a blessedly sweet infant into a charming baby girl. You astonish friends and family with your big brown eyes that are almost always open, taking in the world. Everyone comments on how alert and aware you are, how much you seem to be soaking in. Strangers continue to tell us what a beauty you are.

Your favorite playmates are Freddy the Firefly and your pink bunny. Your dad and I really love Mortimer the Moose, and we try to convince you that he is as cool as Freddy. You aren't yet convinced. You love to stand up, showing off your chubby and remarkably strong legs. Your head control is impressive for a girl your age. With it, you turn every which way, making sure you see everything there is to see in this beautiful world. The past month we've focused on getting you enough sleep, wrapping you up in a tight swaddle to help lull you to bed. Yet minutes later we peak into your bedroom to find you've spun around 180 degrees, wrangled your arms free and pushed them up and over your head with your back arched as much as possible.

We've had an eventful summer together, with trips to DC, South Carolina and the outer boroughs of Manhattan. We've shared a lot of time together as a family. And every evening, your dad and I take you for a walk in Riverside Park to spend some time enjoying the summer weather, being active together. Now we're starting to think about this fall, about the clothes we'll get you, the family we'll see, the events we'll share. It's all very exciting, this planning of our lives together.

We love you, sweet Alice. Happy birthday!

Love,
Your Mom

*****

PS Your most popular nickname is Little Blabe (or, affectionately, LB). I also often call you my little bug. You're loved, my little one.

Alice & Naomi

Giselle, our nanny, works with both Alice & Naomi (John & Anna's baby girl). Anna is pregnant with their second daughter, due in January. She has been trying to get Naomi used to the idea of sharing her by holding Alice while Naomi is nearby. Naomi, needless to say, is not happy about the idea. Here are a couple of pictures from yesterday's efforts.

Alice - 4 Months Old!

Oldie but Goodie

Wow...

I am so excited that this happened!

Survivor

Well, I did it! I made it through the first day! And honestly, it couldn't have been better.

Did I cry? Yes. Multiple times. Did Alice make life hard for Giselle (her nanny)? Yes. Multiple times. But when I got home at 4, Alice was sound asleep in her bedroom and Naomi was playing on the floor with Giselle, repeating words in Spanish and giggling. It was so calm, in fact, that I decided to take advantage of the babysitting and I hit the gym! Alice woke up minutes after I got out of the shower back at home, and after kissing daddy and spending some time with him, the two of us were off for our evening stroll. An hour later, we came home, cuddled, she ate and then fell asleep in my arms. Heavenly.

Work itself was great, too. I almost forgot how amazing my colleagues are. Rhonda & Kristin had a framed picture of Alice for me, and I started crying the second I saw it. Everyone was patient with me. They let me gush on and on about my beautiful little one. They ignored the tears and red eyes. They shared their offices for me to pump. They cared about and for me and for Alice.

And, to top it off, Giselle sent me frequent visuals of my sweet Alice!

The Night Before

Alice,

There are plenty of topics for me to write about this evening - including our delicious trip to South Carolina to visit your gracious Aunt Kelsey and your father's and my latest efforts to manage the household finances. But all that I can think about is that tomorrow I return to work full-time. I will wake you up at 6 am, feed you, kiss you and head down to the office. I will have to say goodbye.

I've already broken down into tears twice this evening, just thinking about this change in our lives together. Since you've been born, I've rarely left your side. I haven't wanted to. Tonight, before this shift, I want you to know what thoughts are swirling around in my brain.

And yet, two hours after starting to put words to "paper," as it were, I still can't quite sum up what I want you to know about this experience, this process of preparing to go back to work life. All I can tell you is that I love you wholeheartedly. That I'm incredibly sad that I can't stay at home with you indefinitely. That going back to work is completely, entirely for you - not only so that we can afford your diapers, but also so you can see your mother engaged in a professional realm that doesn't involve my perfect little family. That I hope and pray you will one day have a gorgeous baby girl who will make you as happy and rich and fulfilled as you have made me. And that when that does comes, you will have more options than we have now - more maternity leave that means something, more possibilities with one income, more meaningful part-time work.

Baby girl, these first few months together have been nothing short of miraculous. I will remember this time as blissful - days spent walking the City together, admiring a gorgeous springtime, just you and me.

I love you, Alice! I'm already excited for our evening stroll together tomorrow night!

Love,
Mom

Snapshots

My dad came to visit Alice, Michael and I this week. His camera is insane. As a result, I have about two hundred adorable pictures of Alice! Yay! Here are a couple of highlights:

With Mom

The Family

Greeting Daddy

Playing with Bumpa

Heartbreaker

Balancing Act

This past week I bid a sad, fond farewell to my maternity leave. I began working from home, logging hours during naps, after bedtime, and occasionally during Alice's & my playtime. It's been a real struggle - Alice hasn't yet established a set schedule (or we haven't created one for her), so figuring out the best time to attend meetings, head downtown, and try to get focused work done has been difficult. That said, I'm utterly grateful to have this time with her.

For most of my life, I've had two versions of my future - one is me working full-time while raising a family, finding tremendous pleasure in pursuing an ambitious career; one is of me working full-time as a stay-at-home mom, spending the days with my kids, managing a tightly-run home. I always assumed that I would prefer the former to the latter, largely, I think, because that's how I was raised. My mom somehow managed to be an ever-present part of my growing up while continuing to pursue a professional career. And yet, now that it is time for me to head back into the working world, I'm realizing that maybe this isn't the path I would choose, if given the option.

I think I'm mostly worried about becoming so harried with the day-to-day that I lose pleasure in raising and caring for my family. This maternity leave has been such a profoundly wonderful time. Even on bad days, when I can't get Alice to settle down, when nothing goes as planned, when strangers yell at me, I feel like I'm doing the most important work of my life. I'm not dreaming of Saturday, counting down the seconds until I can be somewhere else. I'm happy where I am, savoring each day with my baby. Truthfully, it's never like this when I'm working - even though I really love and enjoy my job.

I don't want to whine about this, because I'm going back to work for a fabulous group of people, in a somewhat flexible work environment. My colleagues love and dote on my daughter, and they will be so supportive of our expanding family. The work I do is meaningful, for the most part, and it is an exciting time to be where I am. But I have never been as happy there as I am when I see this beautiful smiling baby girl looking up at me.


I'm sure I'll find a balance, somewhere along the line. And perhaps this smile will remind me to forget about the grind and remember the love that defines me.

Hello There

She's Happy. She Knows It.

Happy Baby

Joy

Rebound

I am recovered from yesterday's nightmare. Here's why:

1. Last night, I packed Alice up and took her down to Le Monde, a restaurant in our neighborhood with a plethora of space for strollers. We grabbed a table outdoors and I ordered a dirty vodka martini and a salad. Alice sat quietly, observing passersby as I read, ate and sipped my deliciously strong drink. After about 20 minutes, Alice was ready to play, so I picked her up and she smiled and enjoyed watching people come and go.

2. This morning my in-laws sent me this lovely present with a note that said I am a good mother:


3. My iPhone 4 arrived today.

4. My brother is on his way up to New York for a visit.

5. Yesterday, in my anger, I wrote to the author of the Motherlode blog on the New York Times website and shared my frustrating experience with her. She published a comment about it!! Find it here.

Ridiculous.

Shitstorm

Picture it:

The heat wave has finally ebbed. Temperatures are no longer triple digits. I decide it's finally safe to take my daughter outside. In an effort to be productive, we decide to go to the grocery store.

I pack Alice up in her infant stroller, which has horrifically wonky wheels, making steering a true challenge. But it has a nice big basket which will hold about three days worth of groceries if I pack them up with perfect precision. As we leave the apartment, my daughter smiles at her surroundings, happy to be out and about.

Forty minutes later, we make it to the checkout line. I notice Alice is getting antsy, so I unload as quickly as I can. "No bags," I tell the cashier - in order to get the groceries home, I have to line them up perfectly, like a mini game of tetris. Just as the cashier swipes the first item, Alice decides she's had enough. She doesn't fuss - she SCREAMS. She has never cried like this in public before. I'm horrified, and rush to pack up as quickly as I can. At this point, there are four people behind me in line, and they are clearly New Yorkers - standing, looking disgusted at me for bringing this wailing (but beautiful) infant into their lives. I try to sooth Alice - giving her the binky, gently push the stroller - but also work swiftly, desperately trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible.

Nothing I do is working to sooth Alice, so I decide to just focus on getting groceries packed and paid for so that I can leave and take care of this little one. Just then, I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turn my head to see a woman in her mid-30s, with a child of her own hanging on her hip. For a brief moment I think, "Thank God! This woman is going to help me." But then it dawns on me - she isn't there to help. She's there to "give me advise."

Before I can say anything, this bitch looks at me and says, "Long term crying is very bad for the baby. It causes dama--."

Before she can finish her next unbearable sentence, I cut her off and say, "I've got it." She walks away.

The more I contemplate what just happened, the angrier I get. I am muttering under my breath, "How dare she? Who says this stuff? Who does she think she is?" I finally finish packing and get Alice out of there. And before I know it, I'm crying too.

So if you drove by Fairway this afternoon, you may have seen a young woman pushing a crying baby in a stroller full of groceries and steered by wonky wheels, crying herself and --- this is the best part --- leaking.

It was a real shitstorm, let me tell ya.

Alice - 3 months old!

Place

This is my favorite country song-of-the-moment, "House that Built Me." It's a beautiful story of a woman returning to the house she grew up in, trying to reconnect with the person she knew herself to be. It's haunting, and has left me thinking about the importance of place.

To any friends who know us, it's not surprise that Michael & I struggle with the best location to raise our family. We both grew up in Virginia, just outside DC, in suburban communities very different from the urban streets we roam now. Michael lived blocks from his grandparents, visiting with them almost daily. His house was on a cul-de-sac, with a sun room and fenced-in back yard. My house growing up was within walking distance of a little lake and a swimming pool, where my brother and all of our friends spent our summer days. Michael & I were surrounded by family and trees and lawns and green. We lived on streets where summer nights meant crickets and fireflies and barbecue. When we were growing up, we could spend evenings out with friends, drive around listening to music day and night. We could meet friends at church, spend time together in restaurants or at movie theaters without adults. We grew up in a place where freedom and youth found a healthy balance. These... safe, comforting, lush communities shaped who Michael and I have become. They gave us ambition and drive, and also romance and hope and self awareness. "The House that Built Me" reminds me of the best characteristics of these neighborhoods and leaves me wondering where we should be raising our daughter.

Don't get me wrong - New York is an amazing city and it offers a great deal for raising families. The obvious elements (diversity, culture) are actually less profound to me than the overlooked ones (sustainable living, visible reminders of why we should be helping the poor). But it is also incredibly challenging to find the right balance, to keep kids independent while keeping them safe, to protect them from cynicism while encouraging them to grow up aware of their environments.

Maybe I'm in a dreamy haze about my childhood. Maybe, like the song suggests, I'm trying to find a part of myself that I may have lost - a more innocent and less jaded self. But really I think I'm just wrestling with how Michael & I can provide the best for our children.

Basic

But adorable!