Alice & Naomi

Giselle, our nanny, works with both Alice & Naomi (John & Anna's baby girl). Anna is pregnant with their second daughter, due in January. She has been trying to get Naomi used to the idea of sharing her by holding Alice while Naomi is nearby. Naomi, needless to say, is not happy about the idea. Here are a couple of pictures from yesterday's efforts.

Alice - 4 Months Old!

Oldie but Goodie

Wow...

I am so excited that this happened!

Survivor

Well, I did it! I made it through the first day! And honestly, it couldn't have been better.

Did I cry? Yes. Multiple times. Did Alice make life hard for Giselle (her nanny)? Yes. Multiple times. But when I got home at 4, Alice was sound asleep in her bedroom and Naomi was playing on the floor with Giselle, repeating words in Spanish and giggling. It was so calm, in fact, that I decided to take advantage of the babysitting and I hit the gym! Alice woke up minutes after I got out of the shower back at home, and after kissing daddy and spending some time with him, the two of us were off for our evening stroll. An hour later, we came home, cuddled, she ate and then fell asleep in my arms. Heavenly.

Work itself was great, too. I almost forgot how amazing my colleagues are. Rhonda & Kristin had a framed picture of Alice for me, and I started crying the second I saw it. Everyone was patient with me. They let me gush on and on about my beautiful little one. They ignored the tears and red eyes. They shared their offices for me to pump. They cared about and for me and for Alice.

And, to top it off, Giselle sent me frequent visuals of my sweet Alice!

The Night Before

Alice,

There are plenty of topics for me to write about this evening - including our delicious trip to South Carolina to visit your gracious Aunt Kelsey and your father's and my latest efforts to manage the household finances. But all that I can think about is that tomorrow I return to work full-time. I will wake you up at 6 am, feed you, kiss you and head down to the office. I will have to say goodbye.

I've already broken down into tears twice this evening, just thinking about this change in our lives together. Since you've been born, I've rarely left your side. I haven't wanted to. Tonight, before this shift, I want you to know what thoughts are swirling around in my brain.

And yet, two hours after starting to put words to "paper," as it were, I still can't quite sum up what I want you to know about this experience, this process of preparing to go back to work life. All I can tell you is that I love you wholeheartedly. That I'm incredibly sad that I can't stay at home with you indefinitely. That going back to work is completely, entirely for you - not only so that we can afford your diapers, but also so you can see your mother engaged in a professional realm that doesn't involve my perfect little family. That I hope and pray you will one day have a gorgeous baby girl who will make you as happy and rich and fulfilled as you have made me. And that when that does comes, you will have more options than we have now - more maternity leave that means something, more possibilities with one income, more meaningful part-time work.

Baby girl, these first few months together have been nothing short of miraculous. I will remember this time as blissful - days spent walking the City together, admiring a gorgeous springtime, just you and me.

I love you, Alice! I'm already excited for our evening stroll together tomorrow night!

Love,
Mom

Snapshots

My dad came to visit Alice, Michael and I this week. His camera is insane. As a result, I have about two hundred adorable pictures of Alice! Yay! Here are a couple of highlights:

With Mom

The Family

Greeting Daddy

Playing with Bumpa

Heartbreaker

Balancing Act

This past week I bid a sad, fond farewell to my maternity leave. I began working from home, logging hours during naps, after bedtime, and occasionally during Alice's & my playtime. It's been a real struggle - Alice hasn't yet established a set schedule (or we haven't created one for her), so figuring out the best time to attend meetings, head downtown, and try to get focused work done has been difficult. That said, I'm utterly grateful to have this time with her.

For most of my life, I've had two versions of my future - one is me working full-time while raising a family, finding tremendous pleasure in pursuing an ambitious career; one is of me working full-time as a stay-at-home mom, spending the days with my kids, managing a tightly-run home. I always assumed that I would prefer the former to the latter, largely, I think, because that's how I was raised. My mom somehow managed to be an ever-present part of my growing up while continuing to pursue a professional career. And yet, now that it is time for me to head back into the working world, I'm realizing that maybe this isn't the path I would choose, if given the option.

I think I'm mostly worried about becoming so harried with the day-to-day that I lose pleasure in raising and caring for my family. This maternity leave has been such a profoundly wonderful time. Even on bad days, when I can't get Alice to settle down, when nothing goes as planned, when strangers yell at me, I feel like I'm doing the most important work of my life. I'm not dreaming of Saturday, counting down the seconds until I can be somewhere else. I'm happy where I am, savoring each day with my baby. Truthfully, it's never like this when I'm working - even though I really love and enjoy my job.

I don't want to whine about this, because I'm going back to work for a fabulous group of people, in a somewhat flexible work environment. My colleagues love and dote on my daughter, and they will be so supportive of our expanding family. The work I do is meaningful, for the most part, and it is an exciting time to be where I am. But I have never been as happy there as I am when I see this beautiful smiling baby girl looking up at me.


I'm sure I'll find a balance, somewhere along the line. And perhaps this smile will remind me to forget about the grind and remember the love that defines me.

Hello There

She's Happy. She Knows It.

Happy Baby

Joy

Rebound

I am recovered from yesterday's nightmare. Here's why:

1. Last night, I packed Alice up and took her down to Le Monde, a restaurant in our neighborhood with a plethora of space for strollers. We grabbed a table outdoors and I ordered a dirty vodka martini and a salad. Alice sat quietly, observing passersby as I read, ate and sipped my deliciously strong drink. After about 20 minutes, Alice was ready to play, so I picked her up and she smiled and enjoyed watching people come and go.

2. This morning my in-laws sent me this lovely present with a note that said I am a good mother:


3. My iPhone 4 arrived today.

4. My brother is on his way up to New York for a visit.

5. Yesterday, in my anger, I wrote to the author of the Motherlode blog on the New York Times website and shared my frustrating experience with her. She published a comment about it!! Find it here.

Ridiculous.

Shitstorm

Picture it:

The heat wave has finally ebbed. Temperatures are no longer triple digits. I decide it's finally safe to take my daughter outside. In an effort to be productive, we decide to go to the grocery store.

I pack Alice up in her infant stroller, which has horrifically wonky wheels, making steering a true challenge. But it has a nice big basket which will hold about three days worth of groceries if I pack them up with perfect precision. As we leave the apartment, my daughter smiles at her surroundings, happy to be out and about.

Forty minutes later, we make it to the checkout line. I notice Alice is getting antsy, so I unload as quickly as I can. "No bags," I tell the cashier - in order to get the groceries home, I have to line them up perfectly, like a mini game of tetris. Just as the cashier swipes the first item, Alice decides she's had enough. She doesn't fuss - she SCREAMS. She has never cried like this in public before. I'm horrified, and rush to pack up as quickly as I can. At this point, there are four people behind me in line, and they are clearly New Yorkers - standing, looking disgusted at me for bringing this wailing (but beautiful) infant into their lives. I try to sooth Alice - giving her the binky, gently push the stroller - but also work swiftly, desperately trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible.

Nothing I do is working to sooth Alice, so I decide to just focus on getting groceries packed and paid for so that I can leave and take care of this little one. Just then, I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turn my head to see a woman in her mid-30s, with a child of her own hanging on her hip. For a brief moment I think, "Thank God! This woman is going to help me." But then it dawns on me - she isn't there to help. She's there to "give me advise."

Before I can say anything, this bitch looks at me and says, "Long term crying is very bad for the baby. It causes dama--."

Before she can finish her next unbearable sentence, I cut her off and say, "I've got it." She walks away.

The more I contemplate what just happened, the angrier I get. I am muttering under my breath, "How dare she? Who says this stuff? Who does she think she is?" I finally finish packing and get Alice out of there. And before I know it, I'm crying too.

So if you drove by Fairway this afternoon, you may have seen a young woman pushing a crying baby in a stroller full of groceries and steered by wonky wheels, crying herself and --- this is the best part --- leaking.

It was a real shitstorm, let me tell ya.

Alice - 3 months old!

Place

This is my favorite country song-of-the-moment, "House that Built Me." It's a beautiful story of a woman returning to the house she grew up in, trying to reconnect with the person she knew herself to be. It's haunting, and has left me thinking about the importance of place.

To any friends who know us, it's not surprise that Michael & I struggle with the best location to raise our family. We both grew up in Virginia, just outside DC, in suburban communities very different from the urban streets we roam now. Michael lived blocks from his grandparents, visiting with them almost daily. His house was on a cul-de-sac, with a sun room and fenced-in back yard. My house growing up was within walking distance of a little lake and a swimming pool, where my brother and all of our friends spent our summer days. Michael & I were surrounded by family and trees and lawns and green. We lived on streets where summer nights meant crickets and fireflies and barbecue. When we were growing up, we could spend evenings out with friends, drive around listening to music day and night. We could meet friends at church, spend time together in restaurants or at movie theaters without adults. We grew up in a place where freedom and youth found a healthy balance. These... safe, comforting, lush communities shaped who Michael and I have become. They gave us ambition and drive, and also romance and hope and self awareness. "The House that Built Me" reminds me of the best characteristics of these neighborhoods and leaves me wondering where we should be raising our daughter.

Don't get me wrong - New York is an amazing city and it offers a great deal for raising families. The obvious elements (diversity, culture) are actually less profound to me than the overlooked ones (sustainable living, visible reminders of why we should be helping the poor). But it is also incredibly challenging to find the right balance, to keep kids independent while keeping them safe, to protect them from cynicism while encouraging them to grow up aware of their environments.

Maybe I'm in a dreamy haze about my childhood. Maybe, like the song suggests, I'm trying to find a part of myself that I may have lost - a more innocent and less jaded self. But really I think I'm just wrestling with how Michael & I can provide the best for our children.

Basic

But adorable!

Alice

Family

Cutie

Sleep

Our little lady is asleep. And she's been that way almost all day. She woke up to eat at 7 and crashed immediately afterward. She woke up again at about 10:30 and went down at 1. The books suggest I should wake her. But here's the thing: We spend our entire adult lives tired and in need of more sleep. Why start now? I'll let her enjoy the deliciousness of sleeping the day away and even envy her ability to do so.

Events

Today has been eventful!

First, in an effort to earn my keep around this place, I installed an air conditioner!! I spent the morning sweating, swearing, and praying I wouldn't drop this expensive device through our window and down six flights into the courtyard below. And guess what?! I didn't! I managed to wedge our AC in just the right position, and now I'm sitting in the living room, praying that it has then strength to cool off our apartment. I have to say, I feel burly. In a good way.


Then, while feeding Alice, I felt the earth move!! I emailed Michael, feeling ridiculous even asking, "Uh... did you just feel the earth shake?" He didn't. But the New York Times did! Ha!

And, the big news of the day: Alice rolled over for the very first time! As soon as it was over, I gave her gobs of kisses and she just stared at me with this look of utter boredom. Like, "Hello, Mom. It's no big deal." I tried to get her to do it again for the camera, but no luck. Instead she just talked to me. So here's a clip of her chatting:

Remnants

Michael & I have never been very good at leftovers. After big meals, we always fill Tupperware and - more often than not - "forget" about them. Unless it's lasagna or a particularly delicious ratatouille recipe that I sometimes prepare, the leftovers hang out in our fridge, untouched, until it's time to toss 'em.

Well, now that Alice is around and expecting to be clothed and cared for, we've entered a new era of fiscal conservatism. As a result, leftovers are the new dinner. Here's the carnage after tonight's meal of london broil & mac & cheese for Michael and pasta for me (with a side of fresh veggies and cantaloupe):


Let's be honest - leftovers just aren't as good.

A Big Day

Five years ago today, this happened.

Happy Father's Day!

Daddy!

Grandpa!

Great PapPap! and...

Bumpa!

Adorable

Naomi being too cute!

Garden 2010

It's that time again! This year, we planted tomatoes, cucumbers, and a host of herbs. Wish us luck!

And also..

I am my mother's daughter (as discussed here). And I am my father's daughter too!

Yesterday I spent much of the day drooling over the new iPhone 4. I had managed to dismiss its arrival previously because I thought we weren't eligible for an upgrade until November. But yesterday I found out that we could get the new iPhones NOW. So, of course, I WANT TO PRE-ORDER MINE NOW!

Periodically, I am overwhelmed by very intense desires for cool gadgets. This, without question, I get from my dad. I would like to own (in no particular order, mind you) the newest iPhone, a flat-screen TV, a fancy camera... I have these days every now and again that are almost unbearable with desire for some cool, fancy, high-tech and low-need device. Michael does his best to ignore me, knowing that the urgency will pass, reminding me that we are not early adopters.

But, MAN! Some days I sure want to be... So much for maternal zen.

Alice Plays Games!

In the last two days, Alice has learned to play! It's pretty amazing. Here she is, actually anticipating a kiss and loving it:

Recommended

I know all I do these days is talk about Alice, motherhood and our changing family. So here are some recommended articles that talk about the same exact thing, only much more eloquently:

• Ad-Libbed Parenting
• Priorities: Children or Spouse
• When to Buy Your Child a Cell Phone
• The Risks of Parenting While Plugged In
  

Alice's New Toy

Relief?

Can I just say that my daughter is the best baby???

On Thursday, Alice had her 2-month doctor's visit, where she received 2 nice big shots. Since then, she has needed to be carried in her sling the entire time. I attempted to take her for a walk in the stroller last night and she flipped.

This morning, after sleeping from 7 pm to 6 am, she is sitting quietly in her chair, easing in and out of sleep. I've had time to write some emails, clean the apartment up a bit, and get a shower.

Thank you, my sweet!

More Visuals

Courtesy of my very talented Aunt Jess!

Someone's Excited!

Yipee!

Home tomorrow!

Similarities

Me with my Grandma

Alice

I Love NY

Tonight's Walk
(in pictures)

Howdy!

Alice - 2 Months Old!

The Met

On Friday, in search for air conditioning and entertainment, Alice and I went to the Met!

We wandered through two exhibits: "American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity" and "Picasso in the Metropolitan Museum of Art." Alice liked Picasso...


But she LOVED American Woman:

It was a really a fabulous outing. Alice enjoyed the air conditioning and the opportunity to see so many new things. She kept her eyes open the entire time we wandered through the museum, only falling asleep when we walked outside into the heat.

She was also quite the hit, as you can imagine. Wherever we walked, people ogled at how cute she was. The best was when a 9-year old girl stopped me to say what a beautiful baby Alice is. When I told her that Alice is just 2-months old, the girl waved her hands in the air and said, "Welcome to the world!" just a little too loudly for the Met. It was just a magical moment - such sweetness all around.

Explorations

Dear Alice,

Happy 2-month birthday!

This past month has been about exploring. You have decided that saying awake is pretty cool. And we love it!

Your adventures have included trips to new neighborhoods, new boroughs, and new states. We strolled through the Village, visiting our friends at the gym and the bookstore. We traveled to the New York Botanical Gardens in the Bronx, admiring peonies and orchids and millions of gorgeous flowers. We even ventured down to DC, where we showed you off to all of our family. You loved all these adventures - and we loved taking you on them.

You are an excellent starter baby, my Alice. You sleep well (even through the night on occasion!). You smile and coo and keep us entertained. You let us take you out to dinner - and sometimes happy hour. You enjoy being outdoors, but don't demand it. You enjoy sleeping in your crib, but don't demand it. You like to sit quietly in your chair, feeling its vibrations and looking at our ceiling fans whirl above you. In sum, you are perfect.

Everywhere we go, people comment on how cute you are. The other day, an elderly woman pushing a walker down the street stopped me to say that if she had a baby just like you she would spend all day kissing your adorable cheeks. I assured her that I spend much of my day doing just that.

My darling Alice, we are loving every minute of being your parents. You bring such joy to our lives, and we are so thankful for you. Thanks for being you, my sweet.

Love,
Mom

Reading?

More like napping...


But wonderful all the same.

My Perfect Life

I have it so good.

A snapshot of my life right now: I wake up to the sunshine, my husband asleep to one side, my baby to the other. Alice is up and ready to eat, so I pick her up and bring her into the living room. Occasionally she will give me enough time to make my tea, while Michael gets ready for work. Alice enjoys a leisurely breakfast, while I sit and enjoy the quiet start. After she finishes, Alice asks for some attention, needing a new diaper, a walk around the apartment, or just some quality time with her parents. Occasionally Michael & I get smiles.

Michael packs up and heads to work, with much more comfort and relaxation given the new job. He kisses Alice & I goodbye and we all wish one another luck with the day. Michael walks the sunny 10 blocks to work. Alice and I start our day.

Our days are varied. We try to go for walks at least once a day, getting out to run some errands or just to enjoy Riverside Park. We go to the grocery store, or the drug store, or to meet friends for lunch. Throughout the day I email and text with several girlfriends who are also at home on maternity leave. Alice is generally happy, though fussiness occasionally permeates the day. We share laughs, read books, play in her baby gym. Sometimes, when she has a particularly good, deep nap, I have time to read a little.

Around closing time, Michael gives us a call. On pretty days, we will walk to his office to meet him. The three of us walk through Riverside Park or down quiet, pretty, tree-lined streets and enjoy some time out and about together. This spring has been glorious - bright, sunny skies, green everywhere, flowers blooming in every last corner of the City. We do our best to soak these days up, remembering last spring (all rain) and last winter (all cold).

Once home, Alice, Michael and I start an evening routine. Michael changes into comfortable clothes, I prepare dinner, Alice demands attention. Sometimes she sits quietly in her chair, watching me work in the kitchen. Sometimes she hollers at us to walk her around the apartment.

Eventually Alice goes to bed for the night. Michael and I enjoy time together, reading or (most likely) watching trashy TV. When we call it a night, we kiss and say, "I love you." I close my eyes and feel sheer gratitude for the overwhelming love contained within our little bedroom.

I am beyond words about my life right now. It is just perfect. Do I get annoyed? Yes. Do I miss sleep? Of course. And I could use an air conditioner, maybe a flat-screen TV - definitely a flat stomach. I could use some time at the gym. Sometimes I annoy Michael, sometimes he annoys me, sometimes we both annoy Alice.

But I know that this is a blessed time in our lives. I love spending my days with Alice. I feel fulfilled beyond measure when I care for her. My husband is my everything, and I am just completely in love with the people who surround me. I feel so blessed to have these glorious days at home, worrying only about the best ways to care for my little family. I see the return to work looming ahead and will eventually be excited to share some adult company. But I don't yearn for the stress those days will bring, for the running around I know will define my days.

Instead I savor the time I have now, joyful for all I have, for the way I spend my time, for my little Alice and my loving husband.

I have the perfect life. Or as perfect as any life can possibly be.