Thanksgiving Eve

Dear Alice,

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Though today technically isn't a holiday, it always feels like one. Office empty early, people smile with pre-holiday cheer, and the City has an energy unlike any other time of year.

We spent your first Thanksgiving Eve together, my sweet dear. I worked from home in the morning, while you took a nice, long 2-hour nap. Then the two of us bundled up and headed downtown for lunch with my colleagues/friends:


You charmed the pants off of everyone, as usual, chowing down on your first bites of broccoli and savoring some of the tomato sauce from my lunch. Once we finished up and wished my colleagues well, we went to daddy's office, picked him up, and headed home for a little late afternoon nap.

After we all woke up, you and I bundled up one more time, rode the train with daddy while he went to hip hop, and you and I went to see the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade balloons! The crowd was overwhelming, but unbelievably patient.

Mr. Kool Aid

Spiderman!

Alice & Mommy

The very last balloons were the Macy's stars with "Believe" written across them. As bizarre as this sounds, sweet Alice, I got a little emotional when we walked past them. I am so excited to share the holidays with you, baby girl! To develop our own special traditions that make this hectic time of year so incredibly special. This family doesn't just enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas Days - we savor the season.

Happy holidays!!

I love you more than anything ever.

Mom

Beautiful

We have enjoyed a beautiful weekend. Last night was our fifth Faux-Thanksgiving, where we get together with John, Anna, Ashesh & Mona to celebrate the holiday before heading home to be with our families. Saturday was full of hustling and bustling as we prepared our annual feast. We had a baked brie with apples and bread for an appetizer; butternut squash soup for our next course; turkey, yams, mashed potatoes, rainbow beets, roasted broccoli, stuffing, baked apples, and salad for dinner; and pumpkin pie with cool whip & strawberry-rhubarb pie with ice cream for dessert. A little grotesque, no? But it was delicious!


Today we were in full recovery mode. Alice was a genuine doll and let me take a two-and-a-half hour nap. We ate pie and then went for a long walk on a cool Sunday...


It's the best time of year to live in New York - it's cool enough to walk endlessly without sweating, to carry a baby around and not worry about how you'll look when you take her off. The trees are gorgeous and the park is pleasantly empty. Heavenly.

Happy Family

Something Exciting

Here's a cool thing: today, some of the work I've been doing was included in this press release!

Remembering

Neat-o!

Check out this creation, courtesy of my dad!

Happy Babe

Get Over It

Well, here we are again.

It's Sunday night.

The work week begins anew tomorrow. And I will spend the next five days rushing from one thing to another, dreaming of the weekend when I can take my time with my husband and my baby.

Since returning to work, the Sunday Night Blues have hit me hard. The weekends are full of time with Alice and Michael. Not of all it is perfect time, mind you - Alice can be super fussy and chores are not fun, no matter who I'm doing them with. But my days are defined by events with my family, not meetings or nannies or deadlines. I get to feed Alice, rather then spend hours connected to a machine pumping. I get to walk in Riverside Park with my husband, gossiping about work or friends or future plans (the endless debate about where to raise our family provides endless fodder for conversation). I take leisurely strolls through the farmers' market to buy seasonal veggies for our meals. I get to devote my time to myself and my family.

This is in sharp contrast to work weeks, when I feel like every second of my days are scheduled. I wake up at 6, rush to get Alice fed and dressed, me showered and presentable. I leave by 7:30 or 7:40, already later than I want to be. My days at work are often rushed these days, with meetings and pumping sessions and an endless list of tasks that need to get done. I try to leave by 4:30, though I'm almost always rushing out the door at 4:50, praying that I get to John & Anna's by 5:30 so that I don't make the nanny late for her night job. I feed Alice briefly and then pack her up so that we can get home by 6:45. I change Alice, feed her again and put her down for bed. Then I prepare lunch for the next day and cook dinner for Michael & me. Michael and I sit down at about 8 (on a good day) for dinner, and enjoy some time together. Then we do the dishes, I pump for the umpteenth time of the day, and then maybe we spend another 30 minutes together eating dessert and chatting before heading to bed.

I love my job. And I don't know that I would be happy at home all day every day. But Sunday nights highlight just what it is that I'm sacrificing by working. And sometimes it's just a little more than I can handle.

Alice - 7 Months Old!

Therapy

Sometimes there is nothing better than staring out a window and watching the world fly by.

Block

Call to Serve

Dear Alice,

This picture of you and Grandma LeeLee was taken the day before she boarded a plane for Afghanistan. Your brave, bold grandma chose to leave behind the daily comforts of life in the US for a year of service in Afghanistan. Grandma LeeLee was not satisfied with merely bemoaning the situation in this war-torn country. Instead, she decided to act, to respond to our moral imperative to do something to improve the lives of the Afghan people.

In the weeks leading up to Grandma's departure, she trained for a host of terrifying scenarios. With each new skill she learned (shooting guns, ramming cars, riding in helicopters), Grandma LeeLee kept a sense of humor. She saw herself as "an old lady," laughing at the situations in which she found herself. She did her best to deflect any fears that your mom, dad, Uncle Henry faced. She took on our worries. She responded with bravado.

You should know, my dear Alice, that several friends and family members have called her heroic. They have called her sacrifice honorable, genuine, admirable. Because I know how much she loves you and how much she loves me and how much she loves your daddy and your uncle, I know these words are not enough.

I hope you know, sweet Alice, that this is your family.

I love you more than anything ever.

Mom

Uplift

Thank you, hubby!

Moms

This morning on my way to work I saw a girl, maybe 8-years old, saying goodbye to her mom. This sweet little lady clasped her arms tightly around her mom's legs, squeezing her eyes shut, trying so hard to will her way to a different ending. The girl looked very unhappy about the pending separation and clearly longed to spend more time with her mom.

In an instant, I realized that I felt the same way as that little girl. Yesterday I said another tearful goodbye to my mom, who is on her way to Afghanistan as I write. She's doing something bold, something daring, something honorable and generous. I'm proud of her for taking on a challenging and necessary job at this stage in her life. I'm inspired by her example.

But, honestly, above all I'm just so sad that she's gone. I want to wrap my arms around her and beg her to stay close by. I want her to be here for Alice's first Christmas and for her first birthday. I want her to be a phone call away. I selfishly want her to stay put and be with my little family.

I know these aren't the actions of grown-ups; that part of bring an adult is allowing - if not encouraging - your parents to become individuals rather than just your mom or your dad. I know I will want Alice to respect me as a professional, as an adult, as a woman when she is my age.

But right now all I want to be is that 8-year old. I want to throw a temper tantrum and beg her to stay. I am not ready to accept this. Not yet.

Highlight

I spent the day in bed, trying to recover from a cold. It didn't really work. BUT, I enjoyed some good sleep and had a lovely walk home with Alice. We spent a few minutes in the park, playing with the leaves and grass and sticks. She was quite a happy camper!

Happy

Thank. You.

OMG.

This. Is. Amazing.

Shameless

Gap is having a casting call for new models! Vote for Alice here.

Rebellion

Everywhere I look in this apartment there are chores to be done. The plants need watering. The trash & recycling need to be taken out. Clothes need to be washed and folded and put away. We need to hang pictures on walls and vacuum floors. We need to dust and mop and clean out the fridge.

But who has the energy for that?!?! I think I'll curl up with my book instead...

Alice & Her Binkie

Cheeks

Go Nats!

Bedtime!

Yummy

Identity

Michael, Alice & I spent the past weekend upstate, soaking up sunshine and fall foliage with my mom, my godmother, and our great friends, John, Anna & Naomi. It was an absolutely wonderful weekend - blissful, in fact - and I will write more about that soon.

But tonight, I want to put down some of the thoughts that have been rumbling through my head this weekend, while we were away from the City and in some quieter space. I've been thinking a lot about identity. There are few times in a person's life, I think, where your conception of who you are - the ways in which you define yourself - undergo fundamental change. When I think about my life to date, my identity shifted after a few key events: a scary, life-threatening bout with pericarditis when I was 10, a standing ovation from peers on the crew team when graduating high school at 18, a 3-month breakup with Michael when I moved to New York at 23, our marriage at 26, and now motherhood and the birth of Alice at 30. Certainly, other experiences shaped my vision of myself and either contributed to or challenged my perception of myself. But these are the events that really changed my core vision of who I am.

I think I'm just starting to see how my identity has changed since Alice arrived. It's a hard part about motherhood, I think - finding yourself knowledgeable about things you once could care less about while also letting go of some things you used to spend much of your life doing (what a muddled sentence that was...). I'm trying to sort through the parts of life I'm willing to sacrifice for the greater good of my new self and - more challenging, I think - to identify the roles that are so fundamental to who I am that I simply cannot let go of them, regardless of the time and dedication they require.

Several years ago, I talked to Michael's close friend James about the core activities you need to do wherever you are to feel content with life. At the time, I needed to find time to sit quietly and read, generally in a coffee shop or park. I needed to workout. I needed to have some peaceful time drinking tea. And I needed to take active care of my husband.

Now, in my post-Alice life, are these things still true? What activities are so fundamental to who I am as a woman, a professional, a wife, a mother that I need to find time to do them, even if it takes me away from my family for a bit every day? How do I define myself now that Alice is here?

Who am I now? And how must I spend my time in order to be that woman?

Again

I'm trying to stay upbeat. We had a lovely weekend, celebrating Alice's baptism with friends and family (details and a blog to follow... eventually). We had quality time with siblings, parents, grandparents, friends. The Redskins won. Alice ate solid foods for the first time.

But it's a cold, wet, dark Monday morning. The week promises to be another hectic one. And I still don't feel like I've had enough time with Alice or Michael.

I've got the Monday blues.

Boo.

Mother & Child

Cash Only

Since Alice was born and I returned to work - and our family expenses expanded to include a nanny - Michael and I have created a new budget for ourselves. And to help us stick with it, we've decided to use cash only. I thought I would hate this new approach. But, in fact, it has been pretty fun! Cash only makes purchasing decisions feel like a game, and we see our financial trade-offs before we buy anything. We each have a little bit of fun money to spend on ourselves, and then a family pot from which groceries, diapers and other household items come.

Part of this new budget has meant that we eat at home almost every night. While this is boring sometimes - often, I guess - it has been fun to expand my list of ready-to-make recipes. And I feel like I'm solving a puzzle if I'm able to re-use leftovers in a fun and exciting way. Tonight, for example, I made burritos using the best of Chipotle (salt, cilantro and lime juice on rice) and last night's steak. Plus all this cooking has given me more confidence in my skills! AND we're eating healthier!

So there! Some pleasant surprises in a tough financial situation!

Teething

Guess what?

Someone is getting her first tooth!

Excerpts from Dear American Airlines

"Don't expect too much but don't expect too little. She's enough."

"I'm not sure the word sorry does anything justice... I mean, how can one puny word like that encompass all the shit you did - I don't mean you, I mean us, everyone, me - but also all the, all the things you didn't do? It's the inactions that keep you up at night. The actions, they're done. They're done. The inactions, they never go away. They just hang there. They rot. How is sorry supposed to stretch across all that?"

"Into a spiral-bound notebook I entered every sentence I could imagine her needing to say... Taking a ballpoint pen to one of my Post-it pads, she wrote on three consecutive sheets: I HAVE MUCH MORE LEFT TO SAY THAN THAT. I hadn't considered that it might be disturbing for her, to see the entirety of her remaining life - and what is life if not the words that we speak? - reduced to fifteen or so looseleaf notebook pages, sharp convenience notwithstanding."

This, too, is New York

People Do the Strangest Things

Alice and I were walking home. The sun was bright, the breeze gentle and cool. We sat at the intersection, waiting to enter the Park, watching cars drive swiftly past. When the light changed color and the drivers slowed to a halt, Alice and I started to cross the street.

Alice was excited to see the park - so excited, in fact, that she started making bubbles. Loudly. I found this terribly amusing, as all mothers do.

Midway through the intersection, I notice the driver - a woman in a minivan, so likely a mother herself - smile. Then, just as quickly as her smile appeared, the woman rolled down the window...

AND STARTED BLOWING BUBBLES HERSELF.

This grown, 50-something-year-old woman started blowing bubbles at my sweet little baby!!!

It was very amusing, and kept me smiling all the way home.

Keeping Pace

If I wake up late, Alice eats late.

If Alice eats late, I get to work late.

If I get to work late, I stay late.

If I stay late, I pick up Alice late.

If I pick up Alice late, we get home late.

If we get home late, Alice takes forever to go to sleep.

If Alice takes forever, we eat late.

If we eat late, we relax late.

If we relax late, I pump late.

If I pump late, I go to bed late.


Just. Stay. Calm.

Smiles

Alice - 5 Months Old!

Breath

Without warning, it seems, this blog has gone from frequent visuals to near constant ones. Since work started, the time for thinking, let alone writing those thoughts down, vanished. August was one big whirl, and there are no signs of slowing down.

Life is pretty darn great, though. I think we should all vote to extend the length of the average day from 24 hours to 40, and decrease the standard work week from 5 to 3 days. When I think about all that I want to get done in a typical day - spend time with Alice, spend time with Michael, spend time with myself, spend time as a family, SLEEP, cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, feed Alice, pump, go to the gym, have productive time in the office, read, write, SLEEP (did I say that already?) - my head starts to spin. I'm trying to remain balanced and realistic about what can really happen each and every day, but it's difficult to do that. I really miss working out, but making time to go to the gym is just ... exhausting.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with everyone and say hello. Let you know I'm still loving motherhood, and being a wife, and being an employee for my amazing boss. That I miss having time to write, but that I wouldn't change a thing about my life. That I'm as happy and as tired as I have ever been.

Love you.

Greetings!

Growing

Prom 2028

Sunset

Moments

Alice playing with her Great-PapPap

Morning!

Delicious

Thank you!

Since we moved into our apartment in December, Michael and I have been saying that we need to buy a full-length mirror. We didn't do it.

But today, Michael came home with a present - a mirror!!!! One that we can angle against the wall to make us (read: me) look taller and slimmer! No more taking pictures with PhotoBooth or our phones to see how we look! No more standing on tip-toes to see our reflections in wall hangings or the TV! We have a mirror!

Thank you, love!

Romance

On Saturday night, Michael, Alice and I ate quesadillas at home. Alice joined us at the table, sitting in her Bumbo chair. We listened to Ella & Louis while eating and chatting. Afterward, we packed up and went for a family stroll in Riverside Park.


It's a new definition of romance, this Saturday night at home. But it's a lovely one, nonetheless.

I Have the Best Husband

He woke me up with this!!

Happy anniversary, my love!

Four Months

Dear Alice,

This week, you turned 4-months old! Your dad and I can't believe how quickly time flies now that you're with us. While I was pregnant with you, four months seemed an eternity to have to wait for your arrival. Now that you're here, it seems to pass in the blink of an eye.

In the past couple of months, you've grown from a blessedly sweet infant into a charming baby girl. You astonish friends and family with your big brown eyes that are almost always open, taking in the world. Everyone comments on how alert and aware you are, how much you seem to be soaking in. Strangers continue to tell us what a beauty you are.

Your favorite playmates are Freddy the Firefly and your pink bunny. Your dad and I really love Mortimer the Moose, and we try to convince you that he is as cool as Freddy. You aren't yet convinced. You love to stand up, showing off your chubby and remarkably strong legs. Your head control is impressive for a girl your age. With it, you turn every which way, making sure you see everything there is to see in this beautiful world. The past month we've focused on getting you enough sleep, wrapping you up in a tight swaddle to help lull you to bed. Yet minutes later we peak into your bedroom to find you've spun around 180 degrees, wrangled your arms free and pushed them up and over your head with your back arched as much as possible.

We've had an eventful summer together, with trips to DC, South Carolina and the outer boroughs of Manhattan. We've shared a lot of time together as a family. And every evening, your dad and I take you for a walk in Riverside Park to spend some time enjoying the summer weather, being active together. Now we're starting to think about this fall, about the clothes we'll get you, the family we'll see, the events we'll share. It's all very exciting, this planning of our lives together.

We love you, sweet Alice. Happy birthday!

Love,
Your Mom

*****

PS Your most popular nickname is Little Blabe (or, affectionately, LB). I also often call you my little bug. You're loved, my little one.