The Weekend in Pictures

A & B

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Last week, I decided to wean Barrow. I'm still tormented by this decision - Barrow seems to be allergic to something I've been eating, and since eliminating milk, soy and eggs didn't make his symptoms disappear, the doctors said it was time to let go. I question this decision at every feeding, and likely won't ever make peace with it. But one thing happened this week to help me begin to let go: I gifted my stockpile of frozen breast milk.

After experiencing the challenge of working with Alice and nursing her for a year, I was pretty aggressive at building up a store of frozen milk for Barrow before I went back to work. Consequently I had about 300 oz. frozen in our fridge.

All of which the doctor said I couldn't use for Barrow.

I couldn't bear to see that "liquid gold" go to waste, so I sent a post on one of our parent listserves offering up the supply to anyone who needed it. I doubted I would have any takers, but I was wrong. A woman who had a double mastectomy and is expecting a baby girl in June took my offer.

She came to our house on Tuesday night, excited to be picking up one of her first supplies for the baby. We were both nervous, not really sure of the protocol for this kind of exchange. And then, almost from out of nowhere, it was emotional and meaningful beyond words. She said thank you. I didn't know what to say. We hugged. She told us she would tell us when her baby arrives. I offered more, as I have more as we wean. And then - in a flurry - she left.

I've been so moved by this experience. The community of women. That this is how it should be - women helping women. The idea that another baby will be nourished from my body. That there are women who love their babies as much as I do who never have the chance to nurse. That I've been so lucky to take this for granted. That, in this day when charity is almost always removed from the people you want to help, to be in touch with someone so deeply. That, in a situation where you often feel so utterly helpless, you can actually help. It's been profound.

I'm so grateful.

Nap Time

Favorite Books

For a Newborn

• Anything by Sandra Boynton
• International Babies
• Peek-a-Who?

For a 1-Year Old

• Llama Llama, Red Pajama
• Little Blue Truck
• Bear Wants More
• The Polar Express

For a 2-Year Old

• Any Berenstein Bears
• The House in the Night
• Angelina Ballerina & the Princess
• Miss Lina's Ballerinas

Decisions & Turmoil

 

Dear Sweet Barrow,

 

Oh my little man! Oh my big boy! How I love you!

 

You are five months old already. How does this happen so quickly? You have big, beautiful eyes - bright, steely blue, a color that is here to stay. You look like neither your father or me, but I often see your Uncle Henry. You've got a dimple on your left check. Genetic jackpot --- blue eyes and a lopsided dimple. You'll be irresistible. You already are.

 

You love your bouncy chair. You jump and screech and make happy sounds.

 

We're trying to make decisions about what to feed you, my little man. I want to keep breastfeeding, but it seems like you might be slightly allergic to something in my diet. Something that isn't milk or eggs or soy. We might keep heading down elimination diet alley, but the next steps seem very hard. No dairy, no eggs, no soy, no gluten. What's left?

 

But to switch to formula marks the end of something meaningful -- though, if I'm honest with myself -- something meaningful to me and not to you. Because we don't know if we will have another baby, if we stop breastfeeding now, it may mean my body is no longer meant to help my family grow. It may never have the chance to grow and feed a child again. And I'm surprised by how much that rocks me.

 

And the joy breastfeeding brings now... well, it's pretty big. I didn't love it at first, but now that it is not the one and only way you eat, now that I only nurse when I'm around -- it's a special time for you and me, when we get to be together.

 

But I don't want you to be uncomfortable or to suffer if there is something I can do to help you feel better. If formula will keep your tummy happier, shouldn't I just let it go?

 

We love you, sweet boy. Tonight, while I was cooking dinner, your sister was making crazy faces at you. She gives you big, silly smiles and ridiculous laughs. And you were laughing at her!! It was the first time that you've been driven to giggles without tickles. It felt like a family forming. Such joy.

 

I love you and your sister and your father more than anything ever.

 

Love you, my sweet Bear-Bear!

Mamma

I'm Sorry

... to my boss, for never being able to turn anything around as quickly as I would like.

....to my employee, in whose honor I have not yet had time to organize a happy hour.

....to my husband, who has seen me incredibly short-tempered these days.

....to my daughter, for not getting more of my undivided attention, for putting her in front of the television much too often, for not being more patient and kind.

....to my son, for eating some strange food that is making him gassy and intestinal, for letting him see a television before his first birthday, for not reading to him as much as I should or want.

....to my friends, whom I haven't seen in ages, because I still feel so tied to the baby that I can't let anyone else do bedtime with him, and for being terribly self-centered, and for being totally delinquent.

....to my mother, father, brother for not being in touch, really ever.

....to myself, for continuing to be so critical, for not allowing myself to have some space, for never going to the gym or doing yoga or doing any of the fundamentals to keep me sane...

Cuteness Overload

 

Celebrations

It was a big weekend for our little family. Alice celebrated her third birthday (!!!) and Barrow was baptized! Michael's parents and sister came up to visit, as did my mom and dad. We enjoyed the first real spring weekend of the season as a big family, savoring time with our sweet kids.

 

I took Friday off to spend the day with the kids, and my mom came up early to be with us. We went to the Bronx Botanical Gardens to see the Orchid Show and ride the tram around the gardens, which Alice loves to do. Then Dana, Marty, Kelsey, my dad, John & Naomi came to eat Chipotle and birthday cake and ice cream and open presents and watch a three year old go a little crazy with love.

 

On Saturday, Barrow was baptized at the Catholic Church on Morningside Drive near Columbia. It was a lovely day - sunny blue skies, highs in the 60s. The service was simple and kind - about loving, teaching and ... well, some other lesson I can't quite remember. But it was inclusive and exciting and even gave me chills when the priest lead our little community in a blessing for me. Friends and family came to our apartment after to enjoy some food and quality time together. It was one of those occasions when you take off your shoes the second you walk in the door, so comfortable are you with the people there to spend time together.

The weekend felt like a true embarrassment of riches. I am too blessed. My life is too full. My cup runneth over.

Related

Think these two are related?!

Favorite Kind of Day

Today was just a really enjoyable day. We spent most of the day outside as a family.

It started off a little rough, honestly. The kids woke up at 6 am, at least an hour too early for both of them. But Barrow had a nice, long morning nap and Alice responded very well to focused attention from Momma and Daddy. We went to the doctor for the kids' check ups - learned that Barrow (15 lbs, 7 oz) will keep his steely blue eyes and Alice (28 lbs, 4 oz) is still a shrimp. Then we met some potential new friends for Alice and had an Easter egg hunt in Central Park. Came home for a long nap with Alice. Then we made it out for dinner at Chipotle. Another lovely long walk outside.

A great day.

How I Miss You

Oh, free time. Time to blog. Time to think. How I miss you.

Life as a working momma of two is a little overwhelming. Okay, a lot overwhelming. There seems to be so little time for anything - for working, for parenting, for reading and reflecting, for cooking, for relaxing...

Here is an example of how our workdays "work":
6:00 - 7:00 Try to wake up early enough to get some emails for work sent, without waking children
7:00 - 8:30 Shower, feed myself, Barrow & Alice
8:30 - 8:35 Panic because I'm so late to work (again), try to get dressed
8:35 - 8:45 Rush around getting finishing touches on my work outfit, packing up purses, etc.
8:45 - 9:30 Commute
9:30 - 5:05 Work like a maniac, often involving hours of meetings. Try to sneak 2 pumping sessions in. Have had several days without a bathroom break all day.
5:05 - 5:50 Commute
5:50 - 8:30 Hubby & I get family fed, dishes clean, apartment straightened, kids bathed, put to bed
8:30 - 10:30 Collapse in a heap on the couch
10:30 - 11:15 Pack lunches for the next day
11:15 - 11:30 Get ready for bed
11:30 Collapse in a heap in bed

Barrow is thankfully sleeping better and better. We bought a noise machine, so lately he has been sleeping until 5, waking up to eat, then going back to sleep. But last night he was up at 2. So ya never know. But we're getting there.

I find adjusting my own personal expectations to how I can perform at work particularly challenging and depressing. I just don't have the flexibility to stay late to get things done, and that makes it hard to ever feel on top of my game. Especially because so much of my new job is responding to crises, so when one inevitably arises at the end of the work day, it's challenging to figure out when to deal with it. I should be better about working after the kids go to bed, but I find I'm so fried by then that it takes me forever to produce a mediocre product.

Anyway, while I'm exhausted and stretched and haven't even mentioned how much I long for time alone and quality time with my husband, I'm also loving life. I feel so lucky to have two beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a job I enjoy, etc. I know how blessed I am.

Lovies!!

Adorbs!

Lovely

Together/Separate

 

Dear Alice & Barrow,

Tomorrow, Mamma goes back to work. It's unbearable. For the past 13 weeks. the three of us have been almost inseparable. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been without at least one of the two of you. But tomorrow I'm facing a full day without Alice's laughs and Barrow's smiles, and it is killing me.

We've had an adventureous, active time together. Maternity leave included trips to the New York Botanical Gardens, to Macy's to see Santa, to Central Park to enjoy the zoo and the horses, countless visits to story time & the library & the Children's Museum, to the Met, to Queens, to Maryland & Virginia. We had lunches with Daddy and dinners as a family. We read every day and did chores as needed. We took care of each other.

Returning to work this time around is very different. I understand better the challenges that lay ahead - for both the good and the bad. I'm excited to be able to use the bathroom by myself. I'm sad to know how hectic our evenings will be.

Above all else - what I don't worry about this time around is whether you will know how much we love you, Barrow. We love you so, so much. And I know that, even though I'll be at work, you will feel how much we do.

I love you both so much. I am doing this for you.

Amazing Adventures in Central Park

Me & My Baby

Blizzard Dinner

Randoms from Last Week

Duck Lips for Daddy

Story Time

Morning Walk

Suburban Domesticity

Oh ice cream!!

Heavenly Day in Central Park

Story Time

I Missed You

Love Letters

Dear Alice,

It has been far too long since I wrote to you. I think of letters daily, small memories that I try so hard to remember so that I can capture them for you. The blessings you bring to our every day. Sadly there is just never enough time to write everything I want to write for you.

I want you to know that this time in our lives is both difficult and joyful. Being Barrow's and your mother (as well as your daddy's wife) brings joy and fulfillment that I never thought to hope for. I feel such unabashed love for you and our little family. I know I was born to fill these roles, to be this woman. And I am grateful for that awareness because it makes these days that much more enjoyable. But being a parent, especially in Manhattan, is hard. We struggle financially. We have a seemingly infinite number of relationships to build and maintain. Though we have a strong, supportive community in the city, many of these friends live far away in Brooklyn. And we are just always so busy - between work and family dinners and quality time together, there seems to be little give. Your father and I have sacrificed regular trips to the gym. I've given up reading as much as I used to, while your father has not had as much time to write as he once did. These are the personal sacrifices we make to ensure you grow up secure, loved, known. They are well worth it, but must be made nonetheless.

If there were one adjective to describe you right now, it would still be sweet. You have the most kind disposition, good-natured to the core. We cannot go out without someone telling us how beautiful you are. I'm trying to make sure this does not go to your head, trying to remind myself to compliment your intelligence (which is just as impressive) but find it hard not to tell you a million times a day how pretty you are. You love to dance, asking first thing every morning to put on your pink ballet dress and dance for us. We play classical music while you jump and run across the carpet in our living room. You love to read, spending hours each night in your bedroom, in the dark, "reading" stories. You have an active imagination and love to pretend to be mommies ("Mommy, I'm the horse's mommy." "Mommy, when I'm a mommy can I wear that?" "Mommy, Abby is crying for me and I'm her mamma."). We have been reading Angelina Ballerina on repeat, as well as Miss Lina's Ballerinas. You love all of the Bernstein Bears books. You are an adoring big sister, and Barrow loves you so.

I pray that one day you will know this kind of joy, my sweet.

I love you, your brother and your daddy more than anything ever. You are my family, and I couldn't be happier.

Love,
Mommy

Happy Kids

2 Month Shots...

... Leaves Barrow tuckered out.

Barrow, 8 Weeks!

Barrow

Some things I want to remember about Barrow:

* You love to be held. There is very little time during the day when I'm not wearing you. And that, I think, has given us a special connection. You know how I smell, and feel comforted when we are together.

* Smiles started at about 7-weeks. We had our first "game," where I jumped every time you hiccuped. You loved it.

* You are a grunter and your toots can wake your family up!

* You are SO much bigger than your sister. At 8-weeks you weigh 12.5 pounds. It took Alice at least 4 months to weigh that! I love it - our big man.

* You adore your sister. She gets the biggest smiles from you - and she loves getting them. She dotes on you constantly, giving you hugs and kisses whenever she sees you. She holds you every morning.

* A memory I hope to hold: On Christmas Eve, we were driving home from dinner at your Uncle Tyler's house. You were totally exhausted and began screaming (which you just don't do). Nothing I was doing could calm you. So Alice started singing "Mamma's gonna buy you a mocking bird." I joined in. Within 30 seconds, you were calm. Within a minute, you were asleep.

I love you, your sister and your daddy more than anything ever.

Mamma

Adventures

Adventures!

Cuddles