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1-Year Old Barrow

Birthday Boy

Dear Barrow,

Happy first birthday, my sweet love! It's hard to believe that just a year ago your daddy and I were on our way to the hospital, debating whether you would be born on the 16th or 17th (naturally you arrived within minutes of getting to the hospital, joining us on the 16th with time to spare). And now, here it is, November 2013 and we have a 1-year old on our hands!

You are such a joy, Bear! You laugh easily and often, showing off your dimple and beautiful blue eyes. You squint with your nose when you really want to show how happy you are, and throw your body up and down. You love giving high 5s, playing peekaboo, and food. Your sister is your favorite person in the whole universe. She dotes on you endlessly, holding your hand as we walk, bringing you toys to stop you from crying, and huging you as hard and frequently as we let her.

You sleep twice a day, for about two hours in the morning and three in the afternoon. You love being held by your mamma, and laugh joyfully whenever your dad gives you kisses with his beard. You are fairly consistently sleeping through the night, and when you wake up it takes a while to settle back to sleep. You took your first steps a couple of weeks ago, but still prefer to hold on and cruise around the apartment rather than risk falling down. But you can't wait to run.

You don't yet have any words, though I'm fairly sure you make a "mmmmm" sound when you want to say "mamma." You have just started to discover the joys of reading (including 'Peek-a-Who?' and 'Global Babies'), and your soothie and lovie. After we eat dinner, before bath, you and Alice play under the dinning room table while Dad and I clean up.

We are thrilled to get rid of your bottles and expensive formula, and just feed you what we eat. We call you Bear, and Bear-Bear. Alice calls you Cheeky.

We love you so, so much, sweet Bear. You bring such balance to our home. Your charming blue eyes, gorgeous dimple, and endearingly bright smile add a lightness to our family, and we're so grateful for it.

I love you, your sister and your daddy more than anything ever.

LOVE,
Mamma

Bedtime

Tonight, I was stroking Alice's hair, arms and chest as she lay in bed -- the last step in our bedtime routine. Just as I was about to leave, she asked if I would continue for one more minute. 

A: "Mom, will you rub my heart for one more minute?"

M: "Sure Goose."

A: "G'G lives there. In my heart. Because she died. I miss her."

M: "I miss her too."

A: "She was nice. Why did she die?"

M: "Well, her body was old and she was sicky."

A: "Wouldn't it be sad if Angie and Stephen died?"

M: "Yes. But Angie and Stephen are young and healthy and they probably won't die soon."

A: Seemingly happy with this. "When we get old and sicky, we are going to die."

M: "......"

A: "Remember how G'G got me my pink phone and keys? That was nice."

M: "I love you, Alice."

A: "I love you, Mommy."

This Year, Last Year

Ceiling

I'm laying on the floor in the apartment, listening to the kids make noise in their room while catching up on Momastery. I'm realizing how peaceful and grounding this is. And feeling a little silly for it. 

But peace and relative quiet is a rare blessing. And I'll take it in whatever form it comes. 

As if to prove my point, Barrow is now crying...

Songs

When Alice was a baby, she wanted me to sing "Goodnight sweetheart" on repeat.  

Barrow's favorite song is "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." Calms him down immediately. 

Quiet Cuddles

Fab

Things I Miss About Me

... so, as a follow-up to this "I like my kids" thing...

Here are some elements of my life that I hope I'll recover as the kids grow up:
* Quiet. I've been thinking a lot about this, as Michael and I debate whether or not to leave our apartment. It feels so loud where we live, right near a train. But, also, isn't life with young kids just inherently loud? I mean, Alice talks constantly. Barrow is laughing or crying a lot of the time. Their toys make SO MUCH NOISE. I'm looking forward to quiet, still mornings (if they ever exist again).

* Time for reflection. I found a journal of mine that I kept in my early 20s, where I wrote down quotes from books I had read, clips from magazines or newspapers, art. Flipping through those pages placed me back to my time in Greece in almost an instant. A time machine. I don't long for that stage in life, but I do hope one day there will be time for that level of commitment to inspiration, wherever it strikes.

* WORKING OUT. Nothing more to say about that, other than dear God I miss it.

* Romance. I miss that. Michael and I are really good CEOs of our household, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. I think we both long for more date nights, more time out with just the two of us, more time to talk about life beyond our apartment walls.

Some elements of life now for which I know I'll ache as they age:
* Alice insisting on closing the door for me every morning as I leave for work, yelling "LOVE YOU!" as I march down the stairs.

* Alice wanting to lay on the couch with me while I rub her hair and her back in the peace and quiet of the early morning.

* Barrow beaming when I go pick him up from his crib, thrilled to see me.

* Barrow, figuring out how one step goes in front of the other, how limbs work and why they are miraculous. Barrow being carefree and eager.

I Like My Kids

This week, I feel like I've been reminded just how much I actually like my kids. 

Since, during the work week, we're often dealing with them during their worst part of the day -- just before bed -- it can be easy to forget how much fun they can be. We're often just trying to shuttle them from the dinner table to bed, fighting the clock to make sure they are at least in their bedrooms before the epic meltdowns begin. But this week, we were together during other portions of the day -- our nanny called out sick on Tuesday, so I spent most of the day with them. We had a blast -- shopping for new clothes at Old Navy, buying Alice new shoes at our local kids shoe store, and spending the afternoon at the playground. And, Michael has been out of town at a conference for work since Wednesday, so it's just been our little trio since then. 

Both kids are really just lovely. Of course, they have their... challenging times. Alice has been mean to me from bathtime on every night this week. Barrow was up from 4 to 5:15 am crying relentlessly for no explicable reason ("I MISS MY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"). But, overall, they are just very happy, sweet little people. 

Alice is so curious and funny. The other night, she was telling me how one girl in her old playgroup was "a little rude, you know?" (with eyebrows crunched together). And so she just didn't like hanging out with her, "because we don't act that way." Barrow is just a happy-go-lucky kid, easy to make smile and laugh. He figured out how to clap yesterday, and is just SO PROUD of himself. It's adorable and such a reflection of his personality - awestruck by it all. I love it.

So, that's the beautiful news from the week: I like my kids.

Sly Love

A & B

B Running After A

A & B

Lunch Break!!

Me & the Quiet Car

Solitude

 

Today, I'm in Bethesda for a conference. Last night I put the kids to bed, kissed Michael goodbye and boarded a train. We do this train ride often - from New York to DC. But this time was different.

 

It was quiet.

 

I love being a mamma. It's just the best thing ever. I love the hugs and kisses and, in all honesty, the neediness. I love being loved. I love caring for my family. I love giving to A, B and M, anticipating their needs and creating a happy home for them. That doesn't mean it isn't exhausting, and difficult, and hard. But it's the best.

 

That said, I guess I didn't realize how badly I needed this time alone. I have spent the entire day avoiding my work and spending as much time sitting quietly, taking care of myself, as possible. I went for a walk during our morning break. I walked around a strip mall during lunch, then sat with the Wall Street Journal and a sandwich before our next session began. As soon as the last session ended, I bolted for a yoga studio 15 minutes from the hotel and took a 90-minute hot, sweaty yoga class.

 

And it has been so, so good.

 

 

As soon as I entered the yoga studio, I felt myself ask, "Why is it so hard to find the time for this?" Why is it so hard for us to eek out time for ourselves, away from the family, without rushing from one thing to the next? The demands on our time these days far surpass the number of hours in a day. But that can't be an excuse. Because nothing in our situation is going to change in the next few years. We won't all the sudden have 30 hours in a day, or have a baby who can entertain himself. There is nothing in the equation of our demanding lives that will offer up a few hours a week to listen to our bodies and minds to give us the space to care for who we are.

 

I've had - and continue to have - all kinds of strategies and dreams in my head about how to make this happen. Michael and I could each have one night a week when we don't have to be home for dinner. We could trade off early mornings in the office, or at the gym. I could find some sort of Alice-and-me yoga class.

 

All these options are viable, but so hard to manage in the chaos of our lives. But I'm holding on to these resolutions, praying that we can find some time for both of us to have this space. I know Michael needs it as much as I do.

Kids