Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Revive?

Is it possible to come back to this blog after years without it?

Josephine joined us 6-weeks ago yesterday. Knowing she is (in all likelihood) our last baby has shifted my personal experience of the entire pregnancy and our first few weeks together. I'm more eager to get back to my body, reading, the things that make me feel like a real person, not just a mom. I'm more reluctant to speak ill of our experiences, since this is our third pregnancy, our third baby, and both stages have been incredibly kind to me. We have THREE healthy, beautiful, kind babies. Our newborn wakes up 1-2 times a night. She's so gentle.

Now, when I think about the future, I have a freedom that was unimaginable before. When we had Alice and Barrow, we didn't know whether we would leave NYC. I had to work full-time. We weren't sure if we were going to have another baby. But our lives are very different now. I have more flexibility with work than I have ever had. We don't live in NYC, and actually have the chance to explore a different kind of life. We have family help, and can lean on more community than before.

Also, it is almost New Year's, so of course I have a billion resolutions swimming around in my head. Pushing my kids to be more independent. Keeping track of our money better. Organizing my digital self. Limiting my digital self. Working out. Finding more time for myself. Getting out of the house more. Cut myself a break a whole lot more often. Etc. Etc. Etc.

What if I commit to do one thing every day in January? Is that even feasible? When I think about carving out time for myself, I worry about getting laundry done, about cleaning our apartment, about working. But I look on with admiration as Michael just declares what he will do to be alone. The other day, he woke up, came upstairs, and then got the paper and said he was having breakfast downstairs (which meant alone). Why don't I do this too?

And Josephine cries...